Today…

So today is Monday, not that I really care or anything. It’s currently 4:33pm, I am still in bed snuggling with my dog and watching tv. Feeling pretty depressed today, I can not express how much I want to do something with my life. The more days I have like today, makes it feel more possible to actually do things. I don’t know what is keeping me back, I know part of it is my anxiety but lately I’ve been feeling like something else is holding me back from an active life. On the other hand, I’m very excited about Thanksgiving and seeing my family. This year will be our first holiday without my grandma, who passed away this year. I know it’s going to be really hard on my mom and older siblings. My family is huge Catholics (not me, but the rest are), so Christmas is usually a big deal in our household. My mom isn’t even having Christmas this year, my sister is doing it. So it’ll be a big change for these holidays, but at least we will still all be together. Enough for today, talk more tomorrow:) happy Monday! 

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Memory Loss? 

I feel like ever since I got out of the psych ward, my memory is fucked. I literally can remember being 3 years old up until about 12, then things start getting fuzzy. At first I thought maybe it was from all the drugs I did in high school, but then why wouldn’t I remember before high school? Maybe it’s my medication, maybe it’s because I have 3 different voices plus my own thoughts going on in my head that I don’t have time to remember things. I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 1/2 years now and she’ll say something like “remember when we first go together and we…” And I don’t remember it at all, it’s insane. I’ve read before that people with mental “issues” are more likely to suffer from memory loss than a “normal” person would. I’ve tried mediation to become one with my inner self and maybe bring back some memories that I don’t remember? How can I remember what I wore for my first day of school in elementary but not what I did last week? I’m not currently on any “drugs”, I smoke weed and take my medications everyday. Now I will admit I’m really bad at taking my medication on time every day, every night. Since I have no job and don’t attend college, my sleeping schedule is the same as my finances. She goes to work at 3:00pm comes home at 2am. I usually don’t wake up till about 12:30, take my vyvanse, saphris, and Ativan. I work out for about a half hour, and then watch Netflix literally all day until she comes home at 2am. We eat our dinner, smoke a little weed, watch Arrow, then off to bed about 4:30-5am. I take my Effexor, Saprhis and Ativan right before bed. I’m very aware of how unhealthy our sleeping is but with my anxiety and constant worrying, there’s no way I’d be able to sleep if she wasn’t home with me. I gotta work on this and maybe my memory will be better:) one step at a time, right?

Testing my anxiety.

This December I will be putting my anxiety out there and testing it. Now I’ve explained before how fucking awful it is to go in public for me. Literally, any kind of public, if it involves more than 2 people that I don’t know, be ready for a full on panic attack. I’m tired of living behind walls with my beautiful fiancé and our precious dog. I want to show my girl off to the world, who wouldn’t?! So for Christmas this year I’m surprising her with Denver Broncos tickets to a game. She’s a diehard Broncos fan, and I knew this would be a huge shock to her. She supports me 100% when it come to my anxiety, she deserves a night out with me, in public. I’m thinking of painting my face, maybe help my anxiety a little bit? I kno I’m going to have to be highly drugged with Ativan before I go into that stadium, lol. I’m highly nervous already but there’s a part of me saying “JUST DO IT!!” So I’m going to do it! We got matching hoodies, hats, gloves, and really amazing seats! Thanks to my mom of course though. I could never afford 2 NFL tickets when I don’t have a job. They where a Christmas present from my mom to us, but from me to my fiancé. This is going to be hard but I know damn well these past 3 1/2 years with someone who has schizophrenia, anxiety, and depression, haven’t been easy for her. She deserves a night out with me and so much more, this is just the beginning of over coming my anxiety. I can’t wait to show her off to the world. 

Can’t even think

Today has been the worst day I’ve had in months. My thoughts are so jumbled in my head and the voices are so loud! I took a few Ativan and literally slept until 5:50pm. That’s awful. But I did it, and now I’m just sitting here listening to music, seems like the only thing my brain can actually focus on, lyrics. I’ll write more later:)

The “voices”!

Today they’re going insane! When I say that “they’re going insane” it’s because I have 3 different distinct voices, always have, probably always will. They do NOT have names that I’m aware of, at least I’ve never heard them say names besides mine. The “people” in my head have made themselves visable to me multiple times when I was a lot younger, like 7-13 years old.

Voice #1- very older man, has to be late 70s, very mean and full of awful things to talk about. I’ve only seen him once in my room when I was around 13, never seen him again. It’s weird how my brain knows his voice, how I know that HIS voice is the older mans voice, it’s insane to me. He’s the one that I don’t like hearing what he has to say, when it comes to anything!

Voice #2- Middle aged man probably late 20s, early 30s. He’s got his days, some days he sticks up for me, most days he’s downing me and agreeing with voice #1. It seems like the days I’m really depressed and alone at home, is when he’s mean and just against everything I have to think about. Seems like when I’m around my fiancé or family, he gets kind of quiet, I can still hear him but not as much as I can hear voice #1 and voice #3.

Voice #3- Young boy, around age 7, could be even younger. What’s weird is I’ve seen him at least 3 times in my life, all before age 12 though. The first time I seen him was when I was very young in my old house being babysat, he ran down the hallway chasing after a dog. I played with him, thought he was a friend. He’s not mean to me at all, he has innocent thoughts. A part of me wonders if maybe his thoughts, are my real thoughts? He’s loving, he shows affection towards my family members, my fiance, and me. He’s probably one of the main voices that are the hardest for me to make out what he’s saying.

Voice #1 is the loudest, it’s like he’s trying to be so loud that I can’t understand the other two voices. Most of the time I hear static; then voices will scream and shout out awful things. After the older man gets all his awful things off his chest, the two others will try to chime in and make things “better”, but they end up making things worse. It’s like a never ending record, they’re all fighting to speak at once I just have to end up screaming “SHUTUP!!” (Hit my head a few times) and both voices trying to take my side, stop. They don’t like when I’m mean to myself, only the older man. You’d think since Ive been hearing these same voices since I was a child, old man would be dead by now, lol. I know people think I’m crazy because the way I talk about my conversations with “people” in my head. They probably think I’m crazy and comfortable with them. Having voices, 3 different voices, all talking at once where you can’t even understand your own damn thoughts, will never be comfortable for anyone! But it helps a tiny bit to talk about it like its 100% real, there are people living trapped in your brain, then pretend! Once people start talking to me about my voices and they act like the voices are chemicals missing, “it’s all in your head” kind of bullshit, it’s fucking depressing. Lol and I just agree with them people, because sadly enough it is all in our head. But unless you have people talking to you all day telling you awful things and constantly making things 20x harder, you have NO right to talk about mental illnesses like you have one. All for today, night world!

They struggle too…

So many people think “crazy” when they hear someone has a mental illness. I hate that were even labeled “disabled”. It is so hard having a mental illness because we don’t look “mental”. Our problems don’t really show to onlookers. I know hands on how hard life can be with mental “problems”. Today I’m going to try and give some of us some light at the end of our tunnel. I’ve already wrote how failure is something I stress about a lot. Seeing that people with the same “problems” as me can actually achieve so much in life, helps.
1st: Demi Lovato

 Bulimia/Self-Harm/Bipolar.
2nd: Rene Russo

 Bipolar Disorder.

For all the people that are having trouble and maybe feel bad about taking medication… it’s okay — you will make it through,” she said. “It’s not easy but you will make it through.” -Rene Russo.
3rd: Paula Deen

Anxiety/Depression/Agoraphobia.

Some days I could get to the supermarket, but I could never go too far inside. I learned to cook with the ingredients they kept close to the door,“-Paula Deen.
4th: Jim Carrey

Depression.

Carrey took Prozac “for a long time” while battling depression. “It may have helped me out of a jam for a little bit, but people stay on it forever. I had to get off at a certain point because I realized that, you know, everything’s just okay,” he told CBS News in 2009. “There are peaks, there are valleys. But they’re all kind of carved and smoothed out, and it feels like a low level of despair you live in.” -Jim Carrey
5th: Eduard Einstein – Son of Famous physicist Albert Einstein.

Schizophrenia.
It really goes to show that mental illnesses don’t care who you are. A part of me always wonders if I didn’t something to deserve the things going on in my mind. I know that every single one of us struggling with mental illnesses, we can achieve so much!

My medications. 

I’m on quite a few medications for my “disabilities”. Saphris 10mg for Schizophrenia, Ativan 2mg for anxiety, Vyvanse 70mg for ADHD, Effexor for Depression. I think out of all these meds the Ativan has to be the one I hate taking the most. Yes it calms me down but it makes me zombiefied! I literally sound drunk when I’m on Ativan. If I’m having a panic attack I don’t care if I’ll be loopy, I take 2 ativan and I’m out for the rest of the day. But if I finally get the courage to go into a store, I don’t want to go stumbling in the store like an addict. Saphris was probably the hardest to get use to. I’ve never heard of anyone else on Saphris but it fucking taste nasty as hell. My doctor gets me black cherry flavor, and it’s awful! The way my mouth just numbs up like I just ate a ball of coke, is the worst. Usually people complain about the Vyvanse and I totally understand why because you feel like you can run a million miles but it slows down my thoughts and “voices” so much! I was on and off my medication for a while, as soon as id feel better I would stop taking my meds and then boom back into a slump. I hate getting into my “slump” because it’s so hard for me to get out of it. Like this week, I’ve left the house twice, once alone and once with my girlfriend. I’m not really in a slump, I mean maybe I am, I’m not too sure. I know that I’d rather get up, do my hair my makeup, get cute and go do something. But what is there to do? The only friend I have is my girlfriend, I mean we talk to people and have friends together but it takes so much for me to get comfortable enough to be around people alone. Having my girlfriend or my mom with me makes things like going in place or going around people, easier. When I first started taking my meds I hated them, I was so pissed I was on so many different meds at 15. Also I gained so much weight being on my medication, I went from being 115 to 185 in one summer, talk about stretch marks! I’m down to 130lbs because I’ve finally set a way for me to eat less and workout more. Im really getting into yoga, and meditation, it’s helping me a lot with health and my head:) enough for right now! Keep your heads up! 

Top things that drive my anxiety crazy! 

Living in fear most of your life makes for a lot of days constantly worrying. Literally everything and anything makes me panicky. When I say everything and anything I don’t mean if I see a cow on the road that I’m gonna have a panic attack, lol. What I mean is there are A LOT of stuff that “normal” people wouldn’t think twice about that terrify me. Today I’m just going to write about the main things that really make my anxiety freak out!

  •  The first thing has got to be failure, at everything. Even before I set my mind to doing something I immediately “know” I’m going to fail. Even though part of me can say I’m not dumb, I know I could achieve a lot in life. My anxiety is a serious problem no matter which way you look at it. I want to feel that I’m going to achieve something in life but with my anxiety and schizophrenia, it’s very hard to see achievement before failure.I don’t have much advice on this subject because I too am still working on this!
  • Secondly, going into public. Something that is required of living a normal healthy life, comes so hard to people with social anxiety. It’s easy for someone without anxiety to just get up, shower and go out the door. For someone with social anxiety, what’s the point of even getting “dolled up” if you’re going to be on the couch all day, right? Well that’s how I feel every morning, and I’m finally able to say I’m done with it. At first I was comfortable with living everyday staring at the same four walls, I wasn’t anxious. Now I’m tired of it, I want to have a healthy lifestyle, a fun lifestyle. I was recently in a car accident and it really opened my eyes with my anxiety. I need to figure out how to just get out there, suck it up and do my best. If I would have hit that telephone pole any different I could have died. I would have been so pissed at myself if I died that day because what did I achieve in life? I want to die and be happy with what I’ve done in my life, not full of regret. How am I supposed to start a family with my beautiful girlfriend when I can’t even go to market? I realized I needed to change, I needed to do more things with my fiancé and make more memories! My fiancé recently talked me into going out-of-town and into a “Petco” for our dogs birthday. I was terrified, of course, but I did it! I took my medication with me for backup just incase, you know? After it was over and I was back in the car my body was seriously jumping out of my skin in happiness. My girlfriend had a smile on her face all day long because of that one little store I went into. I seen how much happiness it brought both of us so, I’m changing for us. It’s really helped looking at my anxiety through other people’s eyes. My girlfriend has played a BIG role on helping me over come things. Having someone by you, no matter what they are to you, really helps. I’ve overcome a lot since 2012 because I had someone who believed in me and she made me believe in myself. When I doubt myself, I crash down and stop what I’m doing.

No more doubting yourself!!!

When you have someone there

 Living with multiple mental health issues I always swore I’d be “alone” till the day I died. It wasn’t that I didn’t want love, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be loved. Going to the gay pride our town had over 3 years ago was the best decision I’ve ever made. I met the girl of my dreams, my best friend, my soulmate! It’s insane how much one person can make a difference in your entire life. Before I met her I was ready to die, or face life alone. I didn’t want my “disabilities” to affect someone else’s life so after a week of talking I finally told her that I was a schizophrenic. Her response was, “so”. I never felt so relieved in my life, I was so worried she would run the other way. Now it’s November 2015 we’re engaged and we’ve been together for a little over 3 years. She has no idea how much she has helped with my daily difficulties. She has became so patient and so understanding with my anxiety. This girl has saved my life more than she’ll ever know, all I can do is show her how much I appreciate her. I’m proud to say I won’t be alone in life because I found the person I was ment to be with. Makes me really believe that everything happens for a reason. Enough for today! Remember, keep your heads up! Everyone deserves to feel like this in life!