Omg, wake up! 

I can NOT wake up for the life of me, and I actually have shit to do today. My mom had surgery so I gotta go down and spend some time with her, it’s the least I can do! When I had both my knee surgerys she did everything for me. I just drank some hot tea with cinnamon, didn’t help the sleepiness. I swear it’s them damn nightmare meds, but I have to take them or I’d be so much worse off. Taking my Vyvanse and hoping in the shower, hopefully that wakes me up because my dad will be here soon. If not, I know that walking outside will wake me up, it’s currently snowing like a bitch outside.  

 Saw this on FB and about died, idk about you but I’m a big fan of Harry Potter so this just made me giggle. Getting off, I can’t stress how badly I need to wake the hell up. 

The later it gets. 

It seems no matter how well or bad my day is going in the beginning, it always seems to start crumbling as the day gets later. I don’t know why it is, I’m a night person, not a day person. Maybe because during the day my fiancé is home and night she is not, I’m not too good at being by myself when it’s dark? The paranoia kicks in the moment the sun goes down and cars stop driving up my road. I literally know the time each one of my neighbors get home and leave for work everyday. No, I don’t know them like that, but I know my paranoid brain like that. If I hear a car coming and it’s 1:30AM it’s my neighbor to the right coming home from work. If I hear a car after 1:30AM but before 2:45AM, I fucking freak. I mean full on freak out, peeking out the window, running from room to room turning out lights. I creep so much out my window, my blinds couldn’t handle it any more.  

 Lol can you tell where I sit and have my cig and watch for cars? Pathetic, considering I live on a dead end road. I hate the paranoia I fucking hate it, I feel so uneasy, I can’t even take a nap. If I’m watching tv or playing Xbox the volume is down to 3, seriously, I need to be able to hear if a car is coming. I feel stupid? I’m 21, and feel like a 13 year old when the sun goes down. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m just as paranoid during the day, it just feels more normal. Because during the day, I’m not tripping out, there actually is a few cars and noises outside of the house. But it seems like at night time I hear so much shit, I seriously laid here the other night and cried under the blanket because I had myself soo convinced that someone was standing at my living room window. This feeling, I can’t stand, I don’t want to be this paranoid. Can you imagine when I have children and they see their mother freaking out over a car coming up the street?! They would be so messed up. I feel so messed up when I’m this paranoid. 

Enough for right now, making myself just more upset, gonna make myself some tea and watch tv, or should I say read the captions because I won’t be able to comfortably watch it if I can hear it. 


Reblogged, all my followers that are makeup lovers, go check out this new page!

Go check out this new blog on WordPress all about makeup and reviews on makeup.! 

I decided to post some of my favorite products all around. These are just random things ive picked up sometime this month with a few old favorites. Hope you enjoy. If you have any questions feel free to ask. The first i deciced to highlight id my new beauty blender. Im obessed. I use it […]

Liebster Award Again:)

I was nominated for the Liebster Award again:) Thank You Anxiety In NYC for the nomination:)


  1. Thank the person who nominated you:)
  2. Answer the 11 questions they provided for you.
  3. Nominate 5-11 people who have less than 1,000 followers.
  4. Ask nominees 11 questions and let them know you’ve nominated them.

I’m only going to be nominating four people since I’ve already done this award and nominated 11 others on a previous post:)

  1. Anxiouspenquin
  2. alucardeverlasting
  3. Eden No More
  4. She Rants of Sz

Here are my 11 Answers to the questions Anxiety in NYC asked me:)

  1. What is something you are looking forward to right now? Right now I’m looking forward to my fiance to get home from work. 
  2. What is your favorite type of food? Japanese.
  3. Who do you want to win the Super Bowl, if you care? Um, of course I care! DENVER BRONCOS! This is a Denver Bronco household:)
  4. Do you have a favorite actor/actress? No really, as long as they’re funny, I’ll enjoy watching them. 
  5. Choose a super power: Invisibility, Read Minds, Mind Control. Definitely gonna have to pick invisibility:) 
  6. Are you having a good day? It’s alright.
  7. If you could bring one book on a deserted island with you, what would it be? “It’s Kind of A Funny Story”
  8. What is something that always puts a smile on your face? My beautiful girlfriend, my amazing dog, and weed. 
  9. What is one thing that you struggle with when writing your blog? I always think I’m repeating myself post after post. lol. 
  10. Favorite late night talk show host? ummmmm….I use to love Chelsea Lately but idk if she is even on anymore. I’m not too big into television, just netflix lol. 
  11. Any Netflix recommendations? Of course! “Izombie”,”Znation”, “The 100”, “OITNB”, “Making A Murderer”, “Once Upon a Time.”

Here are my 11 questions for the nominees to answer if you feel like it:)

  1. How is your day going so far?
  2. Where’s your happy place?
  3. Any blogs that you’d recommend me to follow?
  4. How many animals do you have, what are they?
  5. What country do you live in?
  6. Favorite Childhood Memory?
  7. When’s your birthday and how old are you turning?
  8. Quick! What’s behind you!?
  9. Do you believe in life on other planets?
  10. Favorite Hobby?
  11. Biggest Fear Overall?

Remember if I nominated you, you don’t have to do the nomination. If you do though, let me know so I can take a look at your answers! 

Where our ancestors laid their heads. 

Technically I am American, born and raised here. My mother and father where also born and raised in America; the only life I know is an American life. Lately I’ve been thinking about the past, not so much my past, but the past of my family. In my 21 years of living on earth, I’ve witnessed 6 family members pass away and multiple family members of my fiancés pass away. It makes me wonder, how many family members do I have out in the world, that have no idea I even exist? Both sets of my grandparents where born and raised in America, but that’s as far back my family was in America. My great great grandfather, John, moved to America with his family, and they changed our last name into what it is today. Johns father, was born and raised in Wurzburg, Germany; while Johns mother was born and raised in County Mayo, Ireland. Apparently Johns parents had like a Romeo and Juliet relationship being German and Irish. I know that I have family members buried in Wurzburg Germany, County Mayo Ireland, Lorain Co Ohio, Conway South Carolina, and Glasgow Scotland. But that’s only my dad’s side.

My mom’s side my mom’s family didn’t come to America until 1905. I have little information about my mom’s side. I do know that my great great great grandfather was born raised and buried in County Wexford, Ireland. And his wife and their children also born raised and died in Carnew, Wicklow Ireland. Also family members are buried in; County Cork Ireland, County Wicklow Ireland, and Sand Patch Pennsylvania.

I think it’s seriously amazing that I’ve never heard of any of these people and I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for these people.

To be completely honest, I’ve never even heard of some of these places in Germany or Ireland! I’d love to go to them and see if I have family members still located there, maybe even having our original last name.

I looked up the places I have family members buried at, and here are some of the pictures that came up on google images.

 County Wexford, Ireland.

 County Wiclow, Ireland.
 County Cork, Ireland.
 Glasgow, Scotland
 Wurzburg, Germany.

I think it’s seriously amazing that my ancestors walked and lived in these lands! They probably had no idea that generations and generations would pass, and here I would be sitting in America wishing I could be in some of these places my ancestors lived. Makes me wonder where my future ancestors will be when I’m long gone and they’re searching my name in search engines! 

Coping with Depression…

rec-road-to-recovery-5-4-12-mdThe first step to recovering from depression, is to make sure you’re depressed. If you haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor but feel you are depressed, here are the main common symptoms of depression:

  • Loss of appetite.
  • Gain of appetite.
  • Little to no energy.
  • Feeling worthlessness.
  • Feeling you’re not good enough.
  • Loss of interest in everyday activities, or things you once loved.
  • Having a short fuse, and easily to upset.
  • Being more negative towards the way you look/act towards things.

If you’re having the racing thoughts of “I wish I where dead”, “Everyone would benefit if I wasn’t here anymore”, “I can’t go my whole life feeling like this”. These are suicidal thoughts and you should seek help within someone you trust or a random suicide hotline, whether it is to accept help, or to just talk with someone about how you feel.

Now, here are a few coping skills that I learned in mental hospitals and over the years:) I’m only putting the coping skills that I found to help me. Feel free to comment with any other coping skills that you’ve learned that help you!

  • Going Outside for at least 15 minutes to get sunlight. Even when it is in the Winter, going outside, taking long deep breaths and thinking, help me.
  • Meditation, relaxing soothing music that you can meditate too for a short period of time. Not always, but sometimes I can “feel” when my depression is going to be worse than usual, I’ll put on some headphones, and try my hardest to relax myself and my mind to meditation. It really does help calm me down and prepare myself for the “mood” that I’m about to be in.
  • Healing Stones and Crystals. I know I’ve written about this before but I can’t stress it enough how well healing stones work. I found that “Smoky Quartz”, “Jet and Lapis Lazuli” stones work the best. I wear them continuously and while meditating, hold them close to your Solar Plexus Chakra (pit of stomach, just above naval) and/or on your Heart Chakra (center of chest, in between breast bones).
  • Challenge your irrational thoughts, write them down in a private journal, and for each negative thought you’ve written, you must write two positive thoughts to knock that negative thought off the page:)
  • Looking at motivational statements and inspirational quotes online, whether it be pinterest or tumblr. Lately I haven’t been doing either, I’ve been coming to WordPress and reading how so many of you have overcome your mental illnesses and it makes me feel that I can too.
  • Watching something funny, just to hear yourself laugh.

Lastly is something everyone with any mental illness should do! The last mental hospital I was at made us do this and it helps just knowing that it’s there. It’s called a “Grounding Box/Comfort Box”. A box filled with literally everything that calms you down, stuff that means something to you. Your comfort box may be completely different than mine, and that’s ok…we’re different people, we cope differently:)

So here is what is in my “Grounding Box”.

  • Adult Coloring Book with Colored Pencils. (things that keep my brain busy)
  • Pictures of my dog, family, and fiance. (things that make me smile)
  • Candle for meditation. (something to calm me down)
  • Healing Stones. (something to calm me down)
  • Stress Relief Body Lotion. (For anxiety and panic attacks)
  • Teddy Bear. (something familiar)
  • Candy. (something sweet)
  • Music. (something for your mind to do)
  • Drawing Pad and Pencils. (letting my mind wander, helps me the most)
  • Notes that I have written myself throughout the year, positive things on my good days. (confidence builder)
  • Herbal Tea Packets and a bottle of water:) (stress relief, for panic attacks)

As you can tell by looking at my Grounding Box, I prefer things that keep my brain busy like drawing, music, etc; and things to try and build me back up like pictures and self notes. 


I hope this helps someone:) If you have any coping skills that you think I should give a go, or think anyone following should give a try, comment them below:)

Doodles and Memes For Today, by me.

So, I’m constantly pinning inspirational memes on my Pinterest. So today I decided, why not make some myself. I found this app called “Notegraphy”, and you type what you want your meme to say, and it lets you pick from a variety of ones to choose. Then I downloaded an app called “Watermark P” to put the “yourenotaloneinthisworld.wordpress” watermark on each image. Let me know if you guys like them or not, and if it seems like you guys like them, I’ll make one everyday to post on here:) A little challenge for myself maybe?

So here’s the two that I made with “Notegraphy” and “Watermark P”,

  • the first one says “Don’t accept the label society has give you, you are you.” I HATE in therapy or any kind of recovery group for mental illnesses it always starts with “My name is C*****, and I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, manic depressive, and I have social anxiety”. No one hears my name, they only hear; “My name is Schizophrenic, Depressed, and Anxious” <<<Does that sound like someone you’d want to spend time with? No, I didn’t think so. I hate that we are labeled. Not only am I labeled with my mental illnesses but also with sexuality? I can’t stand it. I’m me, not the schizophrenic depressed anxious lesbian that society would make me out to be.
  • the second one says “Everyday is a battle & you are your own hero”. I made this because I need reminded every day that I live for myself, no one else. If someone is going to “save” me from my mental illnesses, it’s going to be me, no one else. The battle we fight everyday, is in our own head. No one can fully understand what each one of us is going through, because we’re not in each others heads to understand,you know? So you can’t be expecting other people to just “get it” or “understand” your situation. Even I wouldn’t understand each and every Schizophrenics emotions & actions, only mine. So you have to be your OWN HERO if you want to fight this battle!

Lastly, a little doodle for you all today, it’s a little comic that I’m gonna start doing, it’s called “The Animals After”. It’s about two animals trying to find what all animals/species survived the end of the “world”. I say it like that because “the end of the world” to me is when there isn’t any humans left, the world will still be here, just not the world we know today.  Hope you guys like it:) Please let me know in the comments if you do or don’t. 🙂 I couldn’t figure out how to flip it around, so it’s definitely going to be sideways when I post this:)


iPhone Crash? 

Is anyone else having this problem? Any time I go into “Safari” I go to click on the search bar…safari closes out and crashes(every fucking time), then I go on “WordPress”, go to click on someone’s blog site…Wordpress crashes and closes out! I’ve updated to the new iOS, I’ve turned my phone off and back on. I have no idea wtf is going on. My girlfriends iPhone is doing the same, she has the IPhone 5 and I have IPhone 6S, maybe it was the update? Help!!! 

     Laying here with Hazel, just don’t wanna get up. I’ve got things to do today, I need to get moving.  I feel better than yesterday, but I still don’t feel good. I hate leaving Hazel by herself but I’m going down to my moms to spend the day. I have until 4 to get ready, my dad is gonna pick me up at 4 since my little car can’t drive in the snow.   
She looks so peaceful doesn’t she? I wonder a lot of what animals are thinking about when I look at them. Sometimes I think they no more about life then we do, they just can’t express it. She hasn’t really left my side since yesterday, I think she knew I was upset. I think she still knows I’m upset. 

I’m just really confused lately, about everything and anything. 

I’ll write more later, sorry if I’ve been off the past few days.