The later it gets. 

It seems no matter how well or bad my day is going in the beginning, it always seems to start crumbling as the day gets later. I don’t know why it is, I’m a night person, not a day person. Maybe because during the day my fiancé is home and night she is not, I’m not too good at being by myself when it’s dark? The paranoia kicks in the moment the sun goes down and cars stop driving up my road. I literally know the time each one of my neighbors get home and leave for work everyday. No, I don’t know them like that, but I know my paranoid brain like that. If I hear a car coming and it’s 1:30AM it’s my neighbor to the right coming home from work. If I hear a car after 1:30AM but before 2:45AM, I fucking freak. I mean full on freak out, peeking out the window, running from room to room turning out lights. I creep so much out my window, my blinds couldn’t handle it any more.  

 Lol can you tell where I sit and have my cig and watch for cars? Pathetic, considering I live on a dead end road. I hate the paranoia I fucking hate it, I feel so uneasy, I can’t even take a nap. If I’m watching tv or playing Xbox the volume is down to 3, seriously, I need to be able to hear if a car is coming. I feel stupid? I’m 21, and feel like a 13 year old when the sun goes down. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m just as paranoid during the day, it just feels more normal. Because during the day, I’m not tripping out, there actually is a few cars and noises outside of the house. But it seems like at night time I hear so much shit, I seriously laid here the other night and cried under the blanket because I had myself soo convinced that someone was standing at my living room window. This feeling, I can’t stand, I don’t want to be this paranoid. Can you imagine when I have children and they see their mother freaking out over a car coming up the street?! They would be so messed up. I feel so messed up when I’m this paranoid. 

Enough for right now, making myself just more upset, gonna make myself some tea and watch tv, or should I say read the captions because I won’t be able to comfortably watch it if I can hear it. 

✌🏼🤘🏼🖖🏼

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3 comments

  1. Swetha M · February 2, 2016

    Hey! There’s nothing out there and you are safe, believe it! I don’t suffer from anxiety or depression but someone close to me does so I know how it must feel like. When you are happy and secure, write down all the things about yourself that you admire and feel grateful for, your achievements no matter small coz remember you are not competing against anyone but yourself. Write names of all those people who love you and share memories with you. Feel blessed, life is good, trust me it is! Just relax, meditate and believe!

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