So some of you have already read my previous post and know that today just started off pure shit. After writing my post earlier on the couch and checking on Avon, I just felt completely worthless. I moved the laptop to the side, didn’t even close it; and just broke down. Full on sobbing, tears everywhere, nose running like shit, just a completely idiotic mess.
I’m the kind of person that keeps everything in until all of a sudden one thing hits me the wrong way and it all pours out at once.
Sitting there blowing my nose, I hear something in the driveway. I figured it was a damn raccoon or some shit in the trash, but then I noticed it was a car. I guess how sad I was, I didn’t get scared like I would of any other day lol. I walked to the door and opened it up, bloodshot eyes, puffy ass fucking face, snotty nose; to see my girlfriend standing there looking at me.
She immediately “Oh my god, I knew something was wrong babe.” She had a teddy bear with chocolate in her hand as she hugged me and didn’t let me go.
I haven’t felt this badly in a long ass time. So to be honest I was worried today by myself but I didn’t want to tell anyone and make them worry. I’m so lucky I have you baby:) Everything happens for a reason, I’m glad you came home just to make sure I was okay. You make everyday so much easier and worth it. I love you Nichole:) You my girl. <<first time putting your name on my blog.
I’m still sad, don’t know why, but I feel better that Nichole is home, sitting beside me.
Don’t know what’s going on inside my head today, but I am not liking it at all. I don’t feel depressed, just down in the dumps I suppose. I just feel sad, sad as fuck actually, I can’t stop crying. Usually by this time, I’ve gotten dressed, and at least a little ready for the day. Not today though, I’m still in my pajamas, hair and teeth not brushed, just sitting on the sofa typing this. I don’t know what’s got me down today, but I really wish I did, so I could just “get over it”. You can’t really “get over” something if you don’t even know what’s bothering you, can you? I feel like everything is just wrong today, my head, the way I feel, the way I’m understanding things, all are just “off”. It’s so weird how someone can be fine one minute and then the next day feel so ugh. Maybe it was the night mares from last night? I tried the whole, lucid dreaming thing, which I accomplished….just not the way I wanted it to go. Maybe it’s the fact that there is 4 feet of snow in my driveway, so I’m bound to the house, which I usually wouldn’t mind…but today, I do. I applied for a job about two weeks ago, I was feeling good that day obviously, but I haven’t heard anything back, probably wont. This Avon selling is going pretty well, I guess, just gotta stick with it. Not today though, today isn’t a good day. I haven’t had a bad “head day” in a while now, this sucks, this fucking sucks.
On a side note, I made a little meme thing, using my own pictures. Guess I should listen to it today. I made it with an app called “Font Candy” but the background picture is of the woods around my house.
Hope everyone is having a better day than I am.
I’ve been nominated for Liebster Award by Untangled. Thank you so much!! I enjoy your post as well!
Here are the Rules:
- Acknowledge the blog that nominated you and display the award!
- Answer the 11 questions that the blog gives you.
- Give 11 random facts about yourself.
- Nominate 5-11 blogs that you think are deserving of the award that have less than 200 followers.
- Let the bloggers know you nominated them.
- Give them 11 questions to answer!
- Getting to write my true feelings about Schizophrenia, Anxiety, and my Depression without feelings judge by you guys on WordPress!
- Mountains of Colorado, because weed is legalized there and because it’s in the mountains, it’s off grid.
- I dreamt I would get over my anxiety and depression by my adult stage in life, and I’m not yet there but I’m closer than I’ve ever been before:)
- Mountains, because it’s silent, peaceful and reminds me of home.
- Horror, Sci Fi, Crime, Medieval, and Magical type with fairies and magic lol.
- Zooey Deschanel
- No, I’d love to write something though. I’ve worked on books before but haven’t known what really to write about. Give me some idea’s and I’ll think about it! I truly love to draw, I’d love to draw for a book!
- Life after death.
- Free Hand. I love to draw, it’s the only thing I’m pretty good at.
- The snow storm that we had this weekend, it was nice to be stuck in the house with my Fiance’ fora few days. We got 4 feet!
11 Facts About Myself:
- I’m a stoner.
- I love animals in general but have a certain place in my heart for Pitbulls.
- Iphone over Android person.
- I fucking love Peanut Butter MeltAways. I don’t know if any of you know what they are. They’re made in a mom and paw store around here with home made milk chocolate and peanut butter cream, omg they just melt. Kind of like cadbury squares?
- I’m BIG into watching videos on youtube about life after death, life in space, aliens, different planets, that kind of shit, I can literally watch it for hours.
- I love space and I’m so into aliens and that kind of shit BUT I’ve never seen Star Wars? lol I know I know, wtf wtf.
- I’m a huge gamer, Xbox One addict right now, I finally gave up on my Xbox360’s network, and had to switch but am loving it.
- I’m a homebody, literally I don’t leave the house, unless I’m challenging my anxiety, meeting the weedman, or have to go somewhere doctor wise.
- I don’t have any friends, besides my fiance. When she’s at work, I’m at home, with my dog:) She’s the best friend I could ask for, lol.
- I’m running out of shit to say because I don’t like to talk about myself so this is hard lol. My girlfriend gave me the first few things to write lol.
- I NEED to quit smoking cigs.
Blogs I Nominate Are:
Here are your 11 questions for you to answer!:
- When did you first start blogging on WordPress?
- What was the reason you started to blog?
- Do you use any other blog websites? Are they easier/better than WordPress.com? and why?
- What is your favorite season, and why?
- I know you love chocolate, you gotta love chocolate, right? What you’re favorite chocolate bar from where you’re located?
- Think back to Elementary School, what did you want to be when you grew up?
- Do you write novels? Have you started a book, or short story?
- I love to draw, do you have any little artistic skills that you like to do?
- Quick, what’s on your right?
- Do you prefer to shop online, or offline?
- Have you ever seen a live wild animal in person? If so, what kind and where was it located?
Don’t forget to let me know when you’re done answering your questions! I’d love to see your answers!
Also if you don’t want to participate in this nomination, I completely understand!
Over & Out:)
Day 1: Wake her up with a smile✅
Wrote a cute little note about how much I appreciate her and all she does for me. Day one complete:)
She was so surprised:) It felt nice seeing her smile over something so little.
Everyone should be doing the The Honor Challenge:)
Day one of our snow storm also…
currently we have one foot of snow. And it’s just dumping snow fast as hell.
Write about an area in your life that you’d like to improve
Definitely, my health…not just mentally but physically. I’m a big believer in…”if your body is healthy, you’ll feel healthier mentally“. So I suppose the biggest thing I’d like to improve is working out, eating healthier, and improving mentally with meditation and medication. I’ve been on my meds for over 5 years now, but I went off of them completely for 2 whole years. Which, was a horrible mistake, a horrrriiibbbllleee mistake. At the time I thought “I’m better, I haven’t heard or seen anything in months, the urge to hurt myself hasn’t been there in months, I’m fine, I’ll be fine“. Man, was I wrong. The voices came, and never left, till this day. Now before I use to hear them every once in a while, or see them every once in a while but now, it’s pretty much an everyday thing, seeing them, hearing them. On the days that I don’t see or hear them, I can hear a white noise like static sound, still annoying as fuck, but much better than voices. But I can proudly say that it’s been a month straight now on my medication again. I feel…..good? I don’t feel 100% better and too be honest I’m starting to accept the fact that I will be a Schizophrenic my entire life, I can’t change that, but I can change the way I look at it, and the way I feel about.
First things first, I need to get better physically. I don’t mean, busting my ass everyday for hours at the gym. I’m gonna start it out slow, or I know I won’t keep it up. First I’m thinking, better eating habits. I don’t eat a lot, actually I barley freaking eat. I eat one meal a day, but the time of that meal is around 4AM, every day. So I’m starting a meal planner to get myself started.. something like this weekly planner. TRY and get 3 meals in a day! 3 healthy meals in!
Secondly, I’m going to start yoga, for beginners of course. Nothing crazy like attending hour long hot yoga sessions, but just a little self home yoga at my house. If you know of any good free yoga programs, or apps, let me know! I’ve already gotten my meditation app, called Meditation Timer, it does wonders! I got it at the app store on my iphone! not too sure if it’s available for android users or not!
Over and Out!
It’s 1:15 AM, my lovely girl should be home in a while. Just wanted to write and let everyone know I probably won’t be on for the next few days. Nothing bad, just expecting a huge fucking snow storm. If you’re a follower of mine and read my post, then you should already know that I live up in the mountains. When my girlfriend and I first moved here, we weren’t expecting “that” big of a difference, since we both grew up in the little town that’s about 30 minutes down the mountain. We moved in, in November 2013. We witnessed our first snow in the mountains, and man where we amazed by the amount of fucking snow up here gets! Before, when we lived in town (literally 30 fucking minutes down the mountain) the most snow we seen was probably 8 inches…which was probably a lot to us at the time. But now that we live up here with the bears and coyotes, we’re use to seeing 2-4 feet of snow. So now that the news is calling for a huge snow storm for our area…starting tomorrow, I more than likely won’t have power! So far it isn’t looking bad out, probably not even an inch of snow, just a lot of ice. Hasn’t started snowing yet though, this is still from the last snow we got like a 3 days ago!
This is what’s streaming across the top of my weather app….Awesome, Winter Storm Warning from Fri,6pm…until SUNDAY 6AM?! JESUS CHRIST! Okay okay, we can’t be getting that much snow…right?
- Today…..80%, 1-3 inches….alright alright.
- Tonight…100% 8-12 inches…damn
- Saturday…100% 5-8 inches…dear lord!
- Sunday…..80% 3-5 inches….okay that’s seriously enough.
So the way I freakin look at it… 3+12+8+5 (because we always get the most)= 28 inches which is like 2.3333333 feet. SO we’re definitely at LEAST getting a foot.
My fiance and I will be drinking hot co coa, watching netflix, playing bo3, and toking up for these next couple days. Hope everyone stays safe this weekend! If you’re supposed to get a lot of snow like us, definitely drive safe!
On the plus side of things….took all my meds today:) The freaking APP i told you guys about is helping me SOO MUCH! If you’re new to my blog and take regular medications, you’ve gotta check out the free app in the app store called, “Medisafe”. I seriously even have Austin Powers telling me when to take my meds…seriously, I’m not kidding! My voices are awake and fully going but it’s starting to not fuck with me as much as it us to, guess I’m starting to finally accept the fact that I have three different “people” talking to me from within my head.
over and out!
Originally posted by, abbie lu Definitely worth going and reading!! I’m totally doing this challenge!
What if we reached out and honored people regularly.
Source: The Honor Challenge
Think of any word. Search it on google images. Write something inspired by the 11th image.
- I picked the word “Schizophrenia“, just curious to see what images come up.
This is the 11th image. The image speaks to me, a lot. Some of you may look at this image and see one person, or maybe you look upon it and see three people. When I look at this image I see strength, bravery, and courage! Why do I see that?
- Strength: If you have Schizophrenia, then you know how strong you have to be, everyday. How strong you have to become get know the difference between fiction and reality. I know how strong you have to be to not give up on yourself. Strong enough to live everyday with voices in your own head, working against you. Strong enough to determine whether or not to listen to the voices.
- Bravery: I see bravery, how couldn’t you see bravery? If not, you must not have Schizophrenia. You have to be brave enough to hear random thoughts that aren’t your own. To smell something that is no where around you, something you’ve never even smelled before. To randomly taste different things without eating anything. You must be brave to face the world knowing how the media portrays your “disability“. Brave enough to fight the voices and thoughts, every day of your life. Brave enough to admit you are a Schizophrenic!
- Courage: The definition of courage: “The ability to do something that frightens one” I’m no expert but did they mix up the definition of courage with schizophrenia?! We show courage everyday! If you’re reading this and you’re not a schizophrenic, just put yourself in our shoes. Could you get use to randomly hearing people talking to you? Not knowing if it was in your head, or actually someone was speaking to you? Would that frighten you? We hear them and we see them, in our heads and in our homes…could you do that? We have the courage to change the things that we’re capable of changing, and getting use to the things we can’t change (voices, random thoughts and random acts). Ignoring all the hateful things that the media, bullies at school, people at your work, family, and so called friends have to say about us, is courage. We’re showing courage everyday but living our life!
If you read this and also have Schizophrenia, you’re not alone. We struggle, yes, but look at how awesome we are. Look at how challenged our lives our, yet we’re still here, fighting our “battle” everyday. I hope this helped someone today:)
over and out:)
Everyone currently taking any medication with ANY mental illness should read this, the writer is spot on with feelings and emotions!
Check our their page here: Eye Still Brave
Source: Note to Self: When Medication Makes You Gain Weight In Eating Disorder Recovery