That the drugs aren’t worth it. As a schizophrenic, I wanted anything to stop the voices, wanted anything to stop my anxiety. I learned at 15, if I got fucked up on drugs (pills,coke,acid,shrooms) all the awful voices and anxiety was gone. I was able to go to parties, have friends, and I thought it was amazing. For about 3 years I continued doing that as much as I could. I thought I had friends that cared about me and I was enjoying life. The drugs aren’t worth it! I have hardly any memories of highschool, and the next day after getting fucked up with my “friends”, the voices where ten times worse. The depression grew and grew the more I used drugs. Drugs are a temporary fix, don’t get me wrong I’m not this big anti drug person, it’s just when someone with mental illnesses like me, we’re already missing chemicals in our brain, the drugs effected me differently than my friends. I did get addicted, but not too the drug, just to the high, the way I felt when I was messed up, is so much worse than how I feel on my medication. I wish I could go back to my high school self, stop the drugs, stop drinking so much, take my meds and get help before I did.
So today is what?
Tuesday, January 19th? It’s 11:52 as I sit at my desk and write this, by the time I post it, it’ll probably be Wednesday lol. I’ve actually done a good amount of things today. My girlfriend woke me up around noon today, I took my meds, then we smoked a bowl, played a few rounds of BO3, made some lunch, then watched an episode of “Znation Season 2″, and then it was time for my love to go to work. After she headed off for work, I literally laid on the sofa, on WordPress until my girlfriend called me and told me she got to work okay. By now my meds where kicking in and all of a sudden I had this urge to get off my ass and do something with myself; instead of just laying there, wishing that I’d get up. I took a shower, threw my hair up on top of my head and actually did my makeup. Just getting up and “getting ready for the day”, made me feel like a whole new person. I felt “unstoppable”?
It’s a feeling that I seriously miss being able to feel! I got done my makeup and my dad calls, says hes coming to bring me some papers that came in the mail. After getting all ready, I go out to start my car to try and thaw it out, when I realize my gas tank was wayyyyy below E.
I immediately started feeling down. I mean seriously, it’s a very very rare occasion if I’m feeling “good enough” to even get out of bed, let alone get completely ready to leave the house, just to find out that I can’t? I literally came right back into the house, put on some sweats, and plopped down on the couch.
As I was getting ready to binge watch on Netflix, I hear my dad pull up (totally forgot he was coming!). I ran out to meet him, grabbed the mail from him and immediately, “Dad, if I follow you into town, will you fill my gas tank?” My dad is a pretty big sucker when it comes to me, he doesn’t usually say no, even now that I’m 21. He insisted on checking my oil (my cars been through a lot with me) even though I already knew it was fine. After checking the oil, I followed him down to the nearest “Sheetz” we have in town.
Now usually I’m a big pussy when it comes to pumping gas, I’m not too sure why; I think it’s because the other car is like right next to you, and the person on the other side of the pump…just awkward as hell. I try to avoid pumping my gas as much as I can, but today, today was different.
Today, I actually got out of my own car, and pumped my own gas. I’m on a fucking roll today! Gave my hugs n “love yous” to dad, and continued on my merry way into town.
Once I got into town, I stopped at my moms (really the only reason I was going into town in the first place) to have her help me fill out some paperwork. Damn insurance agency wants sooo much information from when I had my car accident. Anyway, today…it was super good.
I even found a new dentist and doctor that I’m going to attempt and go to. I have to make an appointment first, that right there will be a HUGE step into progress of recovering with anxiety!
I am super fucking proud of myself for today! I just wish I felt like this ALL THE TIME!
Now, Tomorrow’s Checklist….
- Get Up Around Same Time
- Hang out with my lady
- CALL DENTIST, MAKE APPOINTMENT FOR CLEANING
- CALL DOCTOR, MAKE APPOINTMENT FOR CHECKUP
- Run Dishwasher
- Get Ready to go into town
- Visit Mom and Pap.
- Come home
- Attempt Dinner!
Credits: Most of the photos I found online through Google but these are the links to the pictures that I could find:)
- Talking On The Phone With Anxiety
- Unstoppable MotherFuckers
- Gas Tank on E
- Change of Plans HoneyBooBoo
- Crazy Gas Pump Lady
If any of these links are spam or don’t work, I apologize. I found the images in Google, and posted what site it”says” it comes from.
Over and Out
Originally posted by The Anxiety Blog
Social anxiety is absolute misery. Some people think that social anxiety is mere shyness. They think that just because someone does not like to talk in front of crowds or does not like to hold a conversation, it means they are shy. That may be the case for some people, but for those suffering with […]
A letter to someone, anyone. Or in my case…anything.
Dear voices, why must someone so different than me live within my head?We have nothing in common. You hate literally everything and everyone, including me! Maybe this whole “schizophrenia” thing would be a little bit easier if you all had something in common with me, or something nice to say. Also, you need to learn when is the right time to speak and when is the wrong time to speak. My head is my head! Let me think for once, damn.
I’m feeling pretty good today. No nightmares last night, no racing thoughts today. I’ve been on my medication for 2 weeks now straight, no missing. And it’s helped a lot I think. My Effexor is what I really needed, it’s my manic depression pill, I feel twenty times better. I even applied for a job! A fucking job, yes. I haven’t worked in over 3 years, but it’s time. I know I’ll have the panic attacks, the shits and puking every morning before my interview and workdays. But it’s time I help my fiancé, with bills, with market items, and so on.
So not only am I selling Avon, which I would love for any of you to buy from me! Just ask me how! But I also applied for a job at a daycare center, I think it would be the best job for me. I wanted to be a special education teacher, but since all my illnesses took over, that isn’t really a possibility.
We will see how it goes!
Here’s some pictures of today!
- “O.G“by Tech N9ne.
- “5446 That’s My Number” by Sumblime.
- “Search Party” by Enter Shikari
- “Wasting My Time” by Default.
- “My Way” by Fetty Wap.
- “To the Stage” by Asking Alexandria
- “The Zephyr Song” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- “Creep” by Anberlin.
- “Hash Pipe” by Weezer.
- “All These Things That I’ve Done” By The Killers.
So I’m waiting in the car for my girlfriend to come out of the market. I’ve been doing pretty good lately, running into a few places here and there. Yesterday, I didn’t make a post because yesterday wasn’t a good day. I have these awful vivid nightmares that trigger my depression and my voices. I woke up yesterday with the worst headache, voices fully there, and sad as fuck. I literally began to ball my eyes out the moment my girlfriend woke me up. Of course she was a little confused but knew it was a nightmare, she did all she could to make me feel better. And nothing against her, she’s amazing, but nothing was making it feel better. I took my Lorazepam and was pretty fuzzy the rest of the day. Smoked a few bowls, and went to bed kinda late.
Today I feel a lil better, no headache, no voices just white noise, and I’m not depressed today. I’m just…off, yeah really really off. My brain feels like it’s moving extra fast, twice the racing thoughts going through my head. My eyes feel like they’re bouncing around from left, right, up, down. I feel like my brain is saying “move your leg” and it’s like my leg doesn’t move until I really think about it. I just feel off or unwired up there!
I hate how one shitty day can make you feel like complete shit for the next few days.
So here I am, sitting in my car waiting for my girlfriend to come out. Paranoid as fuck, and anxious as hell. I can’t explain how badly I hate parking lots. The awkwardness of a car pulling up beside you and looking over. Im that awkward bitch in the parking lot with the car running, and head in my lap on my phone. I don’t look up for shit.
One time I was actually waiting on my girlfriend outside of the bank for probably an hour. I hear “tap tap tap” on my window, I just thought it was my girl and she forgot something, so I look up to this little old lady telling me to roll down my window.
Okay, I had no reason to be paranoid and second guess this 80 some year old lady, but I did. I kinda looked at her for probably 3 minutes before rolling down my window just for her to say “Hunny are you ok? You look awfully cold!” I put out a little laugh in my head because I was seriously terrified, said “I’m fine, thank you:)” and rolled my window back up.
- Everything they need to know about drugs/stds/etc they will know they can come to me and not be too comfortable or too scared bringing up these types of situations to me or their mother.
- That your high school grades are important. Even though they seem stupid at the time, in the long run they’ll thank me for making them take school seriously.
- To treat anyone based on religion/race/sex/disabilities the same. All humans matter, to me at least.
Discuss your first love.
My fiancé, is hands down my first true love. Of course I had relationships in high school but never anything like what I have with my girl:) You guys know literally everything about her already. We met at gay pride in 2012, fell in love, not right away but pretty damn close. Moved in together after a month of knowing each other, lol. We got engaged after a year, and here we are, July 2016 will be our 4 years, and I seriously couldn’t be happier with our relationship. People always ask, why aren’t you guys married yet? Simply because we don’t want a court house wedding, we want a nice backyard wedding in the mountains, and until we have the money to did it ourselves, we will continue being engaged. We already live together, and have an amazing life together, a piece of paper won’t change that:)
Came across this song today, from one of my favorite bands. The lyrics tho, the lyrics!
“Gandhi Mate, Gandhi”
“Now I don’t know about you, but
I don’t think…
the primary purpose of your life, of my life,
and the entirety of the human race
Is just to blindly consume to support a failing economy and a faulty system
For ever and ever
Until we run out of every resource
And have to resort to blowing each other up to ensure our own survival.
I don’t think…
We’re supposed to sit by idle
While we continue to use a long outdated system
That produces war, poverty, collusion, corruption,
Ruins our environment and threatens every aspect of our health,
And does nothing but divide and segregate us,
I don’t think…
How much military equipment we’re selling to other countries,
How many hydrocarbons we’re burning,
How much money is being printed and exchanged
Is a good measure of how healthy our society is.
But I do think…
I can speak for everyone when I say…
We’re sick of this shit.
Time to mobilise, time to open eyes
We are not a quiet pocket of resistance
This is real and we cannot afford to fail
Act with, act with persistence (This is real)
And we cannot afford to fail
“I am the established order, respect me and fear me”
Fuck you we hold no respect and when tomorrow comes
We’re gonna stamp on your head!
“See if we keep them silent; Then they’ll resort to violence; And that’s how you criminalise change.”
Yabba dabba do one son, we don’t want your rules
Who you fooling son? We got all the tools we need
To build a whole new system
To correct these flaws
“Yeh like what?”
I’ve already listed them
“You’re a communist!”
“You’re a fucking utopianist!”
There come the emotive labels
But their attempt just fails
‘Cos man we’re so far out your comfort zone
We stop, think, begin to revive [x3]
Put the call out to the front line
Get the message out to the contact squad
Transmit emergency frequencies
The jigsaw starts to build
Piece by piece
Open their minds
Transmit emergency frequencies”