Dear family, fiancé, and Hazel

 

Dear fiancé, I know my anxiety has affected you the most. I’m sorry we don’t go out as much as other couples, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be seen with you. I apologize for all the trips to the store you’ve had to make without me, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want to go with you. I’m trying to get better with this, and I know I’m getting better, just not fast enough. You’re my rock and you constantly are so understanding with my anxiety, even though I know deep down you’re on your last straw with me that day. I don’t mean to freak out over the littlest things, I don’t mean to sit and talk to the “voices”, but it doesn’t mean you look at me differently. You’ve seen me in every stage possible, except my best, and I promise you will see me at my best before the end of our days 🙂 I love you, and I’m sorry for everything in advance:) 

  

Dear Family, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry I barely see you. 

To my oldest nephew- I’m sorry I wasn’t at your games. You where the one I figured I’d be close with, not loose touch with you, be the person you went to for advice. Im sorry we’re not that close. I hate that you’re already a sophomore in high school and I haven’t seen you go to a dance, only pictures. I’m sorry! 

To my oldest neice- I’m sorry we’re not as close as we once was. I know when I got back from the mental hospital I wasn’t really the same, and I’m sorry. I thought we’d be a lot closer now that we’re both adults, we’ve overcame our past, but I still would like to be closer. You where my best friend growing up, now I feel like we barely know anything about each others life’s. I’m sorry.

To my youngest neice- I’m sorry I’m never at your competitions and games. You are the one I tried the hardest to get close with, I guess to make up for the relationship I don’t have with your sister. I’m sorry you see picture of me at all your older sisters games, and competitions, I promise my anxiety wasn’t that bad back then. I promise you I will be at more games, school events, and competitions. I pray you don’t think I choose to not go see you perform, I’d love to see you win a competition! 

To my middle nephews- You both are so much more grown up now. I’ve seen only one game of yours, and it was recent. I’m trying to get closer with you guys. I wish you guys didn’t live so far away, I want to be close with you both! You’re my nephews:/ 

To my middle neice- I’m so sorry I didn’t see you graduate from high school even though you where at mine. I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you place First in Softball, you got a scholarship, you’re so talented and I missed your high school games. We where a lot closer when you lived farther away, but just like I said, after the mental hospital, I changed! I hate how many relationships it affected with my family members. I’m proud of you and I’m sorry! 

To my youngest nephew. It’s probably been the easiest on you. My anxiety has been this bad since the day you entered this world, I guess you’re use to not seeing your aunt at things. It breaks my heart just typing that, you shouldn’t expect to not see me, that’s not right. I promise you, I’ll be there to watch you grow! 

To my mom- I’m sorry for all the pain I put you through in the past. You’ve always been there for me, through everything in my life. I don’t give you enough credit and I’m sorry. I really don’t think you understand how much I seriously care about you. You’re my mother, you mean the world to me. I’m sorry for all the things I said to you, I never meant any of it, never could. I love you! 

 

To my dog, Hazel. Dear Hazel, I’m sorry for the days you barely went outside, you laid in bed next to me while I cried. You’ve helped me a lot through this illness, even though you’re “just a dog” your mine and mommys baby, you do a lot for us Hazel. I hate that you’re already 4 years old. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m sorry you had such an awful past without me and mommy. We love you. 

  

My family, fiancé, and dog will never understand how much I care about them. I’m not the best at showing them how much they mean to me, and I’m sorry. 

✌🏽️🤘🏼🖖🏽

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. Bipolar1Blog · February 13, 2016

    Your post is so heartening, you can do it! I am working on my abandonment issues and the anxiety that comes from those. We both can be better, I know we can! Xxxooo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. makingtimeforme · February 13, 2016

    Beautiful. Keep working, I can tell by your posts how hard you are trying 💚💜

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.