I can’t shake this. 

I can’t seem to shake everything that has happened today in the hearing. I keep hearing the judge over and over again, I keep hearing the woman keep saying that I should have no problem working. I can’t shake the fact they made me feel so stupid. 

I’ll never apply for SSI again, I’ll never put my self out and open like that ever again. Thank you Maryland for being SO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING WITH MENTAL HEALTH, THANK YOU FUCKING THANK YOU. 

I can’t stop crying, this isn’t me. They made me feel like I’m making everything up, why would I choose to drop out of college and work a 2 day job? When my dream was to be a special education teacher? But they acted like I should of been a student in special ed. 

I understand I have my moments where it takes me a while to understand certain things. It would take you a while too if you heard voices telling you what to say, your inner self telling you what you really wanna say, and then your head deciding to say something completely different. 

My brain isn’t your brain and your brain isn’t mine. Time to realize we all think and act differently. Just because one schizophrenic is banging his/her head into the wall during a hearing, doesn’t mean the next schizophrenic will. 

I understand, I don’t look “disabled”. I wish you could open my brain. I wish if they opened my brain three men would come walking out talking their heads off and annoying the fuck out of you, Mr. Judge. 

Don’t ever fucking let someone tell you your worthless, cause this shit sucks; and it’s too believable. Expecially when it’s coming from PROFESSIONAL FUCKING BUSINESS PEOPLE. Lucky you that you could attend a nice ass college, lucky you that you could go into a classroom full of people and proudly walk about, lucky you that you could accept a job working with the public, luck you that you could be a “normal” fucking person. 

Tonight’s gonna be bloody awesome with the night terrors. The voices sparked up the moment the judge started with his nonsense, they got a giggle out of him calling me all kinds of stuff. 

I shouldn’t of went, I should’ve done what I do best and stay home. 

I’m hurt, I feel betrayed by my lawyer, I feel pissed the fuck off at the lawyer, and I feel disgusted by the whole hearing. 

I guess I need to be an alcoholic or drug addict,  I’d get SSI a lot easier, ya know since that’s more of a problem then mental health is, duh. 

I’m sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent and Nikki’s not home. 
Oh and something new I forgot to tell everyone—– SOMEONE FUCKING TRIED TO BREAK INTO OUR HOUSE THE OTHER DAY. It was about 3am, of course Hazel being the big ferocious pitbull that she is, she scared them off. But at first they was ballsy, body slamming the doors. Hazel barking and biting the glass, they decided to go to the other door, Hazel went to that door barking and biting the door, they then left. Scariest part, they had to of been on foot. 

I now have all the weapons scattered around. One in living room under cushion, one in kitchen by front door, one in bathroom cause ya never know, and two in the bedroom. 

✌🏼🤘🏼🖖🏼

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6 comments

  1. CalicoJack · December 27

    Howdy Not Alone!

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. The disability system in the US sucks. It makes everything so hard. They fight every applicant tooth and nail. If it isn’t the belittling tone, it is the multiple doctors’ reports. There are endless hoops to jump through. People don’t get mental illness. They just don’t get it. They don’t get that it is painful and debilitating.

    They also don’t get that everyone wants to be “normal” — whatever that is — and productive.

    When you feel stronger, you should try again. You’ll get your SSI eventually.

    Keep blogging, too. It is so cathartic to write about your feelings and what has happened to you and be accepted and understood. Just the effort of trying to articulate what you feel makes it worthwhile.

    Huzzah!
    Jack

    Liked by 1 person

    • yourenotaloneinthisworld · December 27

      Hey Jack, thanks for stopping by and for the support! This was definitely a rough day for me and I was so disappointed in the court system and my lawyer who did not show. I’m sure if I was a person in a wheel chair or anything visible I would have been treated with respect. Instead they saw a “normal looking” person who’s young and is looking for an easy way out, but it’s not like that at all. I’ve given up for now on SSI and I continued to work for the online company I work for, taking life one step at a time. I hope to try again in the future or maybe even feel good enough to give schooling one more try. Thanks again for stopping by and for the kind words!
      ✌🏼🤘🏼

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ibizagoldgirl · November 5

    Stay Strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tikeetha T · November 4

    What happened to your lawyer? Why did she drop you? You are not stupid or worthless. The system is set up against you and we don’t seem to value those that need the help the most.

    Liked by 1 person

    • yourenotaloneinthisworld · November 4

      I have no idea to be honest. He dropped me a week before the hearing but he was one of those pay when you win type lawyers so I don’t understand why he didn’t show. And thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

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