The hearing was awful. 

Made me feel like the biggest P.O.S alive. Made me feel like they thought I was lying. Made me feel stupid. Made me feel unreliable. Made me feel worthless. Made me feel confused. My lawyer dropped me so I had to stand and talk by myself. I stuttered, got eye rolls from everyone in there. Answered all questions complete and honest as I could. 

I don’t think I got it. According to the woman that was against me getting it, I’m 100% and no reason I shouldn’t be able to work in a public setting. I began to cry because I actually can’t do that, and my reason feels so real. I wanted to badly to tell her and the judge, “I wish you had these “problems” for one fucking day and then tell me I have no reason you dumb mother fuckers. 

They said I am able to work if it’s a low learning job and doesn’t require a lot of knowledge. Excuse me, im not fucking stupid. You shouldn’t make me feel stupid! I did very well in school, I like to learn, don’t you dare tell me I need a job for a “slower” person?! Why would you say that to me?! 

I’ve been crying since I got home. I feel I’ve waisted my time again. I feel I’ll never become something that is worth something in people’s eyes. I feel I’ll forever be working online for 3 days a week, barely making ends meat, living off of my fiancé and parents, and that’s not me. I’d rather be dead. 

Today’s been shit, getting ready to clean and then I’ll post more if I’m up to it. 

Hope everyone’s day is going alright. 

✌🏽️🖖🏽🤘🏽

Advertisements

10 comments

  1. ibizagoldgirl · November 5

    Hey Doll putting finances aside if this is what you want to do then do it. Connect with a charity and start to help out, shadow a teaching assistant, become an administrator in a educational institution work your way up!
    Accept that a ‘traditional’ route is not going to be your path and carve out your own which will strengthen you and make you more confident. Don’t cry – you WILL make it. In the future things may change. If you want to help others you will, a certificate/license/qualification will never hold you back if this is what you want to do
    Take some time out to think things over, keep writing and remember to smile xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tikeetha T · November 4

    This is an example of how we don’t understand or respect mental illness in this country. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Aunt Tabbi · November 1

    I’m so sorry that you have gone through this. I remember what my hearing was like. I feel for you. You are by no means stupid. You aren’t worthless either. The world is a better place, because you are in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. alucardeverlasting · November 1

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with that kind of insensitivity from these people. I’m sorry your lawyer completely failed you, completely and utterly-that’s horribly disgusting on their part. And it’s sad to know that those people who are supposed to be there to help, instead make judgement about you without really understanding what you go through and what your story is. Honestly, reading this made me both angry and awfully hurt–I imagine you feel that much more so.

    I just want to say, from the short time we’ve communicated with each other through these screens, that I’ve loved getting to know things about you and reading your posts. You deserve much better treatment than what you got at the hearing, and I know that one day you’ll find something in this life that you have a strong passion for, that will also work better for your needs. You’ll show those idiots. Their failure to understand what you really go through isn’t any reflection on you, it’s just a horrible representation of parts of the system today.

    And, just P.S, I know how you feel about feeling trapped in a cycle of living off of others. I feel absolutely disgusting barely being able to handle one five hour shift at work while my mother works two jobs 70-80 hours a week, supports my father and I, and still gives me extra cash because I can’t pick up the shifts I need. It makes me feel useless. And I don’t want to be like this forever. There’s got to be something out there for the both of us. We’ll make it. Right now there’s just a lot of bumps in the road.

    Anyway, good wishes to you. I hope your tomorrow is better than your today. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • yourenotaloneinthisworld · November 1

      Wow thank you so much! This was great to read! I was just in shock with the whole thing, the judge, everyone. My mom was pretty pissed when we left and they got mad every time I asked my mom for an answer. Like I’m sorry I understand I’m 22 years old but I have anxiety, I freeze when I’m put on the spot. I understand I don’t look “disabled” but in our own way we definitely are! It just sucks because I feel I’ll NEVER be the woman I wanted to be due to mental health. It’s frustrating to see all these people enjoying their job, going on vocation, visiting big cities and then there’s me, glued to the sofa. I know I’ve gotten better with my anxiety and depression but it’s times like these that I’m like, why fucking bother anymore? What kind of life am I living? Nikki keeps me together, my blog helps me, my followers support me, and I’m grateful. I love having people that understands exactly what it’s like in today’s world. I’ve been so distraught over this I’ve been puking non stop. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life, and I never felt so downed in my life. They should see “o she has depression, let’s not make her feel like 20x more of a loser”, but nahhhhh they had to rub every job I’ve had in my face, the jobs I’ve kept for 2 months before quitting because of panic attacks. I’m just so blown today.

      Liked by 1 person

      • alucardeverlasting · November 1

        You’re very welcome! It really is a messed up situation, being put on the spot with anxiety is literally the worst thing that can happen, especially as pressurized as that situation is. And it sucks feeling held back like that, all because of mental health, I know that one well too. I’m so glad you have this blog, and your relationship, that kind of support is wonderful to counteract the poor fools you had to encounter at that hearing. I wish they hadn’t been so inconsiderate, you shouldn’t have to be put through a situation that makes you feel embarrassed because of things you struggle with, and having to be in front of those people. I feel for you, I really do. I hope it’s only up from here. And that the puking stops. Because uggggg fuck puking, straight up. One of the worst symptoms, I swear by it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • yourenotaloneinthisworld · November 1

          Yes it’s the worse! And thank you chick, shits gonna start looking up soon, that’s all I can think. Can’t get any worse, well I mean I guess it can but fuck that lol

          Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.