I woke up with my head louder than ever, my stomache in knots and a headache from hell. I grabbed a bottle of water and began work by 7am, and downed a few Tylenol.
Once I cry, my voices get worse, not sure why but they do. So with that being said, around 2pm came and I broke down in tears because I just couldn’t take listening to them anymore. Boom voices stronger than ever, it’s now 3:30pm and they’re still going insane up there.
Nikki just left for work, and I’m still working until 8pm tonight. I hate being alone when I hear my voices. I called my mom to ask about the shots my doctor supposedly was going to give her, this has yet to happen.
I just kinda feel like, if my doctor is rushing to do it, then I guess he doesn’t care? I should just suck it up pretty much, that’s how I portray it.
A part of me isn’t here today, the good part of Cyerra. The rest is just dual and dead feeling. I’ve puked twice already due to the voices giving me anxiety which is then causing me to throw up.
I feel so down today, not depressed just kinda over it all? Over the meds that make me feel worse and less like myself, over the voices that make me feel like someone else and remind me of awful fucking things, over the depressing thoughts in my head, over the horrible nightmares of me doing awful things, I’m just over it. I’m over mental health and all that comes with it. I don’t feel proud today, I don’t feel accomplished, I don’t feel like me.
No matter the amount of meds or the lack of, I don’t feel right.
I look in the mirror and just find myself starring back at this face I’m familiar with, but doesn’t feel like me. I look in and I’m like “wtf am I” “who the fuck am I”, “why the fuck am I who I am”?
I’m ready to get off work, and go hide under my blankets with Hazel and Joplin and wait for Nikki to get home.
I can’t stand days like these and lately I feel I have more of these days then normal head days. I couldn’t even tell you how it felt to go without voices for one fucking year. Just even a month would be splendid, but nah something in the god damn universe thinks I can handle this shit. News flash, I fucking can’t anymore.
✌🏼️🤘🏼 have a good day everyone.