F is for Fear.

When hearing voices and seeing “people” most of your life, you learn to live in fear. Fear of hearing this shit for the rest of my life, Fear of never truly understanding what the fuck is wrong with my head, Fear of no one ever trying to understand, Fear of living like this for 30 more years.

Of course, we all have those little things that scare us, spiders, ghost, the unknown, etc.  I, of course, have my little scares, definitely spiders, the unknown afterlife, some heights, things that fly, and my own mind? How can someone be scared of their own mind?

Let me explain…

All the times I’ve been “suicidal” it’s not like I woke up and thought “hmm, I don’t wanna be here anymore, see ya”. Nah, it ain’t like that. It’s constantly telling yourself and everyone around you that you’re ok because you honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t be ok, I mean other than the raging voices behind your eyes. I think about the days before my suicide attempts, I wasn’t me, I was literally my voices and that was it, just voices in a shell. My thoughts weren’t my own, I wouldn’t think of stuff like that, but suicidal Cyerra would…

I fear that I will fall back into that state of depression, back to listening to the voices and starting to confuse my own life with my head… I fear that it’ll be too late next time for me to find help. I know I’m on medication, but medication doesn’t take everything away like people think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I feel better on medication but that’s me…my voices ain’t me. No matter how much the doctors want to tell me the voices stem from somewhere. Good fucking luck convincing myself that, why would I make up the shit their saying and the shit I’m seeing? I wouldn’t wish Schizophrenic Voices or Images to my worst enemy…it’s nothing but living life in fear.


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2 comments

  1. J-Dub · April 7

    I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re incredibly brave!

    Liked by 1 person

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