Creep.

I’m about to log off of work and get ready to get picked up by my dad to go run a few errands. I’ve felt pretty good today and this morning, and now I’m just slowly feeling the depression creep up on me. I feel the sadness in my stomach like I just received life changing news. I can feel the tears backing up behind my eyes getting ready to burst out and roll down my cheek. I can tell my facial emotions have died and it’s more of a blank stare on my face as I type this. I’ve taken my meds today, that’s not the issue so please don’t ask me.

Nothing “bad” has happened today, literally, nothing could be making me sad right now but I just want to cry.  I hate days like this, one minute I’m fantastic and the second I feel like my whole world is crashing down. I’m not depressed, but I can feel it coming, it’s only a matter of time, lol?

The voices are here today, they’ve been pretty calm until about the past twenty minutes. I’ve turned on my music and surround sound, trying to just keep my mind busy a little bit in-between emails with work.

I think it’s just the fact that life seems to be at a standstill right now. Things look up and then look down right away again. I hate that I live somewhere that has no opportunities for people, children, teens, elders, no one. I finally got full time at work after trying so hard for it for a year, just to get back down to part time. It lasted not even 2 months…they needed someone in the office, and I totally understand that. It just sucks because I love this job and I feel I’m kicking ass at it, but I feel I’ll never get anywhere in this position as well.

I’m all over the place, looking at my future and how it seems impossible to get where I want to be. Days like today are just hard, and they get harder each time it feels like. Just tired of it I suppose.

Well, I have about 30 minutes left of work and then I’m off for the day. I’ll be sure to read through my reader before logging off. Hope everyone has a nice day.

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6 comments

  1. I hate that “pre-depression” feeling. I get that a lot. I can often feel it coming on. DH considers it the prequel to one of my “spells”.

    Unfortunately, depression, as I’m sure you know, doesn’t always have a big lead-in. Sometimes life just gets us down, especially when we feel overwhelmed.

    We live in a very small town with limited opportunities as well and I find myself having to “make do” much more than I’d like. Moving isn’t an option for us because we don’t like living in or near larger cities and also because this is where our children and grandbaby are, too.

    Keeping your mind busy is a good way to try to fight it off. He’s to you for making the effort and big hugs, cause sometimes, we just need one, even if it is a virtual one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anaida · April 8

    I completely understand how you are feeling. Things will look up, I promise. Have you considering moving elsewhere where you might seek opportunities according to your skill test?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, most definitely. It’s the financial issue that’s causing us to not move. Our town is REALLLLYYY cheap compared to surrounding areas. Our area makes it to where no body can leave. We’re one of the shittiest towns in MD to live in according to YouTube.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anaida · April 9

        Ah. That sounds bad.
        But, I think with time you will eventually find a way to make it out of your current place of habitat. Remember, nothing’s permanaent!

        Liked by 1 person

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