H is for Hate

We live in a world that is full of Hate. We’re all guilty of “hating” something in our life, whether it’s a type of food, brand of makeup, the way humans live, the way our government doesn’t tell us things, etc.

Hate is one of the strongest words you can use to describe your feeling toward a certain thing. One thing I do not understand is how as a human being you can Hate another human being for something they can not control.

How can you Hate a certain race? That’s just stupidity to me.

How can you Hate a person because they’re in love with the same sex? That’s just selfishness to me.

How can you Hate someone that feels they’ve been trapped in the wrong body their whole life? That’s just fucked up.

Would you want someone to Hate on the things you do in your daily life, just because they don’t agree with it? Didn’t think so. If that’s the way this world is going to continue to run, we can kiss Love goodbye because soon Hate is what all is going to be left.

Refuse to Hate. Love one another for fuck sakes. 


L is for leaning 

Ever since I was a kid,

I’ve always needed

that extra crutch,

someone to lean on.

No matter

where I went,

that someone has to be there,

they understand.

They know what to do

if I were to have a panic attack

and can’t move.

So if I’m without them,

do I pursue what I want to do?

How?

When I’ll have only myself to lean on,

that’s far from enough.

Creep.

I’m about to log off of work and get ready to get picked up by my dad to go run a few errands. I’ve felt pretty good today and this morning, and now I’m just slowly feeling the depression creep up on me. I feel the sadness in my stomach like I just received life changing news. I can feel the tears backing up behind my eyes getting ready to burst out and roll down my cheek. I can tell my facial emotions have died and it’s more of a blank stare on my face as I type this. I’ve taken my meds today, that’s not the issue so please don’t ask me.

Nothing “bad” has happened today, literally, nothing could be making me sad right now but I just want to cry.  I hate days like this, one minute I’m fantastic and the second I feel like my whole world is crashing down. I’m not depressed, but I can feel it coming, it’s only a matter of time, lol?

The voices are here today, they’ve been pretty calm until about the past twenty minutes. I’ve turned on my music and surround sound, trying to just keep my mind busy a little bit in-between emails with work.

I think it’s just the fact that life seems to be at a standstill right now. Things look up and then look down right away again. I hate that I live somewhere that has no opportunities for people, children, teens, elders, no one. I finally got full time at work after trying so hard for it for a year, just to get back down to part time. It lasted not even 2 months…they needed someone in the office, and I totally understand that. It just sucks because I love this job and I feel I’m kicking ass at it, but I feel I’ll never get anywhere in this position as well.

I’m all over the place, looking at my future and how it seems impossible to get where I want to be. Days like today are just hard, and they get harder each time it feels like. Just tired of it I suppose.

Well, I have about 30 minutes left of work and then I’m off for the day. I’ll be sure to read through my reader before logging off. Hope everyone has a nice day.

G is for Greatful.

When suffering from a mental health, you’ll tend to find out who your true friends are. With my social anxiety, it’s caused me to go through friends pretty quickly, most people want friends that want to go out and do stuff, then there’s me. I enjoy having friends to come over and hang out at the house, occasionally getting out and doing something. With my Depression, friends always seem to never really understand and thinks that I can just “get over it” and “move on”. Leading to me explaining they don’t understand, and usually leads to having no friends.

When you’re capable of doing things, people seem to flock around you. But yet, when you’re needing a friend the most, they seem to disappear and not be bothered with your “head issues”.

I will say, I’ve lost a lot of friends due to my Mental Health.

Gratefully, I have some amazing people in my life that have yet to give up on me. That are constantly by my side no matter what, there to listen, no matter how many times they’ve heard the same sad story of my voices.

I couldn’t imagine dating/living with someone that has the Mental Health Issues that I have. I couldn’t imagine trying to understand when someone is rambling on about voices inside their head.

I’m greatful for my Fiance for always being there, even through the worst days. She has stuck beside me since day one of telling her I had Schizophrenia/Depression/Anxiety. I’m greatful to have a fiance that will walk in to a million stores by herself as her fiance sits in the car waiting for her. I’m greatful to have a family that understands sometimes, I can’t go places. I’m greatful for Nikki’s mom trying to her hardest to understand and all the times I bailed on dinners with her, she understood.

I’m grateful to have a family that understands sometimes, I can’t go places.

I’m grateful for Nikki’s mom trying her hardest to understand and all the times I bailed on dinners with her, she understood.

I’m grateful for the people I do have in my life that try their damnest to understand my problems. I’m greatful for a mother that was determined to get me the help I needed. I’m greatful for the job that I have and the fact I’ve kept it for over a year, this is a huge achievemnet for me with my anxiety.

I’m grateful for a mother that was determined to get me the help I needed.

I’m grateful for the job that I have and the fact I’ve kept it for over a year, this is a huge achievement for me with my anxiety.


So, what are you grateful for? Am I the only one that thinks it should be spelled Greatful? Like I know it’s The Grateful Dead but stilllll it just doesn’t look right to me lmfao .

What is Going on Anymore.

Yesterday I woke up to videos of children lying in the streets of Syria gasping for their life. Today I watch as our government sends air missiles over to Syria…solving problems? I’d say no…

Today, I open up my SnapChat and start going through stories and news feeds. I see “Suicide Prank Turns Fatal; boy, 11, kills himself after ‘his 13-year-old girlfriend faked her death in tragic online hoax”

I immediately gasped and scrolled up to read more. This young boy, 11 years old was dating a girl 13 years old. She seriously made him believe she committed suicide, created fake pages of “friends” mourning her death, the full works. Tysen Benz, the 11-year-old of Michigan, attempted suicide on March 14th by hanging himself. He has been in the hospital on life support since then, until his death on Tuesday in Ann Arbor.

My first thought, are you fucking kidding me? When has suicide become a fucking prank? What the fuck is wrong with this world today!

11? 11 fucking years old and his life is over? Over because of a prank!? I couldn’t imagine what this boys’ family is going through.  I swear I’ll sign every fucking petition I need to sign to see that little 13-year-old girl sent somewhere. Detention Centers wouldn’t even know how to handle this, she technically didn’t kill someone, but how could you live with yourself?!

Apparently, Benz (11-year-old) even told his GF he was going to commit suicide to be with her, why didn’t she come clean? I mean, he thought she was dead so he probably didn’t think she’d ever read the message, but you know she did! Why didn’t she pick up the phone and call his mother or the police?

Please, do not prank about this shit. This family is in my thoughts, along with every family in Syria. I won’t understand why Trump would keep Syrian Refugees out of America? Makes no

This family is in my thoughts, along with every family in Syria. I won’t understand why Trump would keep Syrian Refugees out of America? Makes no sense…

You Good Mother Nature?

Here in my town, we have 4 seasons,  and I love it!

April so far, has been confusing, April showers bring May flowers, right?

Well, yesterday the greens started to peek out at 70 degrees, I broke out the shorts and converse yesterday! Today…it’s 30 degrees and fucking snowing..yes you read that correctly SNOWING. Every plant is back to falling over with ice all over it, the wires are back covered in ice and the wildlife seems confused.

Black Bears have been spotted coming out of their dens around here, and we saw a Bob Cat the other week up on the mountain. They have to wonder if they slept for a whole damn year lmfao.


What’s the weather like in your neck of woods?

Currently: Working and Listing to The Struts. Nikki started work today, the first day, she’ll be home around 6 pm and then we’re rushing to WV to see Lil Wayne perform. I haven’t bought the tickets yet cause Kat Williams is literally an hour away and I’d rather go to that, I have to see what Nikki would rather do.. which I already know the answer to…Wayne. 


Coming Up:

  • Tonight- Lil Wayne Concert or Kat Williams Stand Up with Nikki.
  • April 22nd- National Cannabis Event in DC.
  • May 7th- Gay Day At The Zoo in DC.
  • May 10th- Tech N9ne, Krizz Kaliko, Ces Cru, Stevie Stone and Brotha Lynch Hung Concert with Nikki.
  • May 18th- DMX Concert with Nikki and her brother.
  • June 10th-11th- Gay Pride and Pride Festival in DC.
  • June- SKYDIVING and BEACH TRIP! Sky Diving is 13, 500 feet! I’m too excited.
  • July 25-28- NYC trip with Nikki for our 5 year anniversary.

 


So, do you have any exciting new summer trips coming up?

F is for Fear.

When hearing voices and seeing “people” most of your life, you learn to live in fear. Fear of hearing this shit for the rest of my life, Fear of never truly understanding what the fuck is wrong with my head, Fear of no one ever trying to understand, Fear of living like this for 30 more years.

Of course, we all have those little things that scare us, spiders, ghost, the unknown, etc.  I, of course, have my little scares, definitely spiders, the unknown afterlife, some heights, things that fly, and my own mind? How can someone be scared of their own mind?

Let me explain…

All the times I’ve been “suicidal” it’s not like I woke up and thought “hmm, I don’t wanna be here anymore, see ya”. Nah, it ain’t like that. It’s constantly telling yourself and everyone around you that you’re ok because you honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t be ok, I mean other than the raging voices behind your eyes. I think about the days before my suicide attempts, I wasn’t me, I was literally my voices and that was it, just voices in a shell. My thoughts weren’t my own, I wouldn’t think of stuff like that, but suicidal Cyerra would…

I fear that I will fall back into that state of depression, back to listening to the voices and starting to confuse my own life with my head… I fear that it’ll be too late next time for me to find help. I know I’m on medication, but medication doesn’t take everything away like people think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I feel better on medication but that’s me…my voices ain’t me. No matter how much the doctors want to tell me the voices stem from somewhere. Good fucking luck convincing myself that, why would I make up the shit their saying and the shit I’m seeing? I wouldn’t wish Schizophrenic Voices or Images to my worst enemy…it’s nothing but living life in fear.


E is for Exhausted.

Exhausted, is the probably the best word to describe how I feel after a panic attack or after a “normal” day with anxiety. Things like walking into the store, going through the drive-thru, withdrawing money from the bank, taking that left turn across traffic, cause my anxiety to spark up. After a nice long panic attack or a short thought out panic attack in my head, I’m literally exhausted.

Even if it’s just going into a resturant and sitting on my ass, I’m fucking exhausted when it’s over and I get home. Why? Because the entire time my brain is going 500 mph with different thoughts of “what if” and my brain obviously doesn’t handle it too well. I find myself biting my skin around my nails, the inner of cheek, twiddling my fingers, tapping my feet, everything that drains the life out of me.

I never knew how exhausting anxiety could be until I really tried to be a “normal 22 year old”. You know, going to the bar, to clubs, out to eat with my fiance and friends, shopping (who the hell doesn’t like shopping, me that’s who), or grabbing a bite to eat with my fiance on our days off. Doing “grown up” things like marketing, bank trips, ORDERING FOOD ON THE PHONE, these are all things I’ve had to overcome in the past 5 years and it took everything out of me to do so.

 I still find myself literally drained and exhausted when I have a “normal” functioning day, even when I work, and I work from home. Things easily upset me, making my head easily vulnerable to the things it says to me, which then makes my anxiety just skyrocket, which then makes me feel like I’ve ran a marathon that day.

Who would have ever thought that something so small could cause someone to feel so exhausted?

You live and you learn.

D is for Depression. 

Depression. One word so crazily misunderstood inside my head. I’m aware of when I’m depressed, I’m aware of how it feels, but I’m just now sure why I’m depressed at said time.

Depression is confusing and can be messy, especially when other people are involved. When I’m “depressed” a lot of things can trigger me to just flip the switch, no matter who is around. Hence the messiness, things can be said that aren’t meant to be said, etc.

Depression hits me at odd times, usually when things are starting to look up in my life. My brain tends to tell me “you’re gonna fuck up” and I literally feel my brain convinces myself to fuck up. I feel my depression is caused a lot by things I’ve done/said and afterward, I’m confused as to why I said/did that thing.

Sleep/Music- gets me through a lot of “depression states”.


So, what get’s you through your depression?

✌🏼👌🏼

C is for Comfort.

Yesterday I missed my day for the A-Z Challenge.


C- is for Comfort. I can’t speak for all people with mental health “issues” but I can speak for myself. When I’m having “one of those days” or having a panic attack, I’m needing comfort immediately after. I need that someone there to tell me it’s ok, because my word isn’t enough for my brain to comprehend and fully understand. If that makes sense even.

Whether it’s my fiancé holding onto me and being there through every meltdown and panic attack. My dog hugging me and licking my tears away when I’m in a state of depression. Food and Binge watching Netflix for hours upon hours. Whatever kind of comfort it is, I feel I’m always needing.

Do you feel this way sometimes after a manic episode or state of depression? I know I do, I rely a lot on other things (not necessarily people) to “comfort” me.

I need to learn to comfort myself for times my fiancé, dog, food and Netflix aren’t around to help me, lol.


I feel a lot of my days explaining myself I’m just rambling on and on because I can’t even fully understand wtf I’m trying to say. So thank you for holdin on with me through this challenge. 😂