N is for Nichole

Nichole, img_5946

You’re the most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life. I don’t care how far I could travel, I’d never meet another girl like you, and that I’m positive about.

You found me at one of my lowest points in my life and you did something I thought was impossible, you made me happy. You made me feel that I had a purpose. You taught me what the hell self-respect was and how much I deserved it. You made me feel happiness I never felt before.

You’re my rock, I seriously need you when it comes to certain things in life. I couldn’t imagine having a panic attack and you’re not by my side. I couldn’t imagine having a bad day at work and you’re not there to make it better. I couldn’t imagine being someone else’s, or you being someone else’s.

I went 18 years without you and I never want to do it again. You’ve watched me become a more strong and independent woman and I owe a lot of it to you.

You’re the most amazing fiance, best friend, soul mate that anyone could ever dream of having.

We got that shit you see in fairy tales girl, you know we do:)

5 years strong this year, and I can’t wait for 80 more.

H is for Hate

We live in a world that is full of Hate. We’re all guilty of “hating” something in our life, whether it’s a type of food, brand of makeup, the way humans live, the way our government doesn’t tell us things, etc.

Hate is one of the strongest words you can use to describe your feeling toward a certain thing. One thing I do not understand is how as a human being you can Hate another human being for something they can not control.

How can you Hate a certain race? That’s just stupidity to me.

How can you Hate a person because they’re in love with the same sex? That’s just selfishness to me.

How can you Hate someone that feels they’ve been trapped in the wrong body their whole life? That’s just fucked up.

Would you want someone to Hate on the things you do in your daily life, just because they don’t agree with it? Didn’t think so. If that’s the way this world is going to continue to run, we can kiss Love goodbye because soon Hate is what all is going to be left.

Refuse to Hate. Love one another for fuck sakes. 

L is for leaning 

Ever since I was a kid,

I’ve always needed

that extra crutch,

someone to lean on.

No matter

where I went,

that someone has to be there,

they understand.

They know what to do

if I were to have a panic attack

and can’t move.

So if I’m without them,

do I pursue what I want to do?


When I’ll have only myself to lean on,

that’s far from enough.

G is for Greatful.

When suffering from a mental health, you’ll tend to find out who your true friends are. With my social anxiety, it’s caused me to go through friends pretty quickly, most people want friends that want to go out and do stuff, then there’s me. I enjoy having friends to come over and hang out at the house, occasionally getting out and doing something. With my Depression, friends always seem to never really understand and thinks that I can just “get over it” and “move on”. Leading to me explaining they don’t understand, and usually leads to having no friends.

When you’re capable of doing things, people seem to flock around you. But yet, when you’re needing a friend the most, they seem to disappear and not be bothered with your “head issues”.

I will say, I’ve lost a lot of friends due to my Mental Health.

Gratefully, I have some amazing people in my life that have yet to give up on me. That are constantly by my side no matter what, there to listen, no matter how many times they’ve heard the same sad story of my voices.

I couldn’t imagine dating/living with someone that has the Mental Health Issues that I have. I couldn’t imagine trying to understand when someone is rambling on about voices inside their head.

I’m greatful for my Fiance for always being there, even through the worst days. She has stuck beside me since day one of telling her I had Schizophrenia/Depression/Anxiety. I’m greatful to have a fiance that will walk in to a million stores by herself as her fiance sits in the car waiting for her. I’m greatful to have a family that understands sometimes, I can’t go places. I’m greatful for Nikki’s mom trying to her hardest to understand and all the times I bailed on dinners with her, she understood.

I’m grateful to have a family that understands sometimes, I can’t go places.

I’m grateful for Nikki’s mom trying her hardest to understand and all the times I bailed on dinners with her, she understood.

I’m grateful for the people I do have in my life that try their damnest to understand my problems. I’m greatful for a mother that was determined to get me the help I needed. I’m greatful for the job that I have and the fact I’ve kept it for over a year, this is a huge achievemnet for me with my anxiety.

I’m grateful for a mother that was determined to get me the help I needed.

I’m grateful for the job that I have and the fact I’ve kept it for over a year, this is a huge achievement for me with my anxiety.

So, what are you grateful for? Am I the only one that thinks it should be spelled Greatful? Like I know it’s The Grateful Dead but stilllll it just doesn’t look right to me lmfao .

E is for Exhausted.

Exhausted, is the probably the best word to describe how I feel after a panic attack or after a “normal” day with anxiety. Things like walking into the store, going through the drive-thru, withdrawing money from the bank, taking that left turn across traffic, cause my anxiety to spark up. After a nice long panic attack or a short thought out panic attack in my head, I’m literally exhausted.

Even if it’s just going into a resturant and sitting on my ass, I’m fucking exhausted when it’s over and I get home. Why? Because the entire time my brain is going 500 mph with different thoughts of “what if” and my brain obviously doesn’t handle it too well. I find myself biting my skin around my nails, the inner of cheek, twiddling my fingers, tapping my feet, everything that drains the life out of me.

I never knew how exhausting anxiety could be until I really tried to be a “normal 22 year old”. You know, going to the bar, to clubs, out to eat with my fiance and friends, shopping (who the hell doesn’t like shopping, me that’s who), or grabbing a bite to eat with my fiance on our days off. Doing “grown up” things like marketing, bank trips, ORDERING FOOD ON THE PHONE, these are all things I’ve had to overcome in the past 5 years and it took everything out of me to do so.

 I still find myself literally drained and exhausted when I have a “normal” functioning day, even when I work, and I work from home. Things easily upset me, making my head easily vulnerable to the things it says to me, which then makes my anxiety just skyrocket, which then makes me feel like I’ve ran a marathon that day.

Who would have ever thought that something so small could cause someone to feel so exhausted?

You live and you learn.

D is for Depression. 

Depression. One word so crazily misunderstood inside my head. I’m aware of when I’m depressed, I’m aware of how it feels, but I’m just now sure why I’m depressed at said time.

Depression is confusing and can be messy, especially when other people are involved. When I’m “depressed” a lot of things can trigger me to just flip the switch, no matter who is around. Hence the messiness, things can be said that aren’t meant to be said, etc.

Depression hits me at odd times, usually when things are starting to look up in my life. My brain tends to tell me “you’re gonna fuck up” and I literally feel my brain convinces myself to fuck up. I feel my depression is caused a lot by things I’ve done/said and afterward, I’m confused as to why I said/did that thing.

Sleep/Music- gets me through a lot of “depression states”.

So, what get’s you through your depression?


C is for Comfort.

Yesterday I missed my day for the A-Z Challenge.

C- is for Comfort. I can’t speak for all people with mental health “issues” but I can speak for myself. When I’m having “one of those days” or having a panic attack, I’m needing comfort immediately after. I need that someone there to tell me it’s ok, because my word isn’t enough for my brain to comprehend and fully understand. If that makes sense even.

Whether it’s my fiancé holding onto me and being there through every meltdown and panic attack. My dog hugging me and licking my tears away when I’m in a state of depression. Food and Binge watching Netflix for hours upon hours. Whatever kind of comfort it is, I feel I’m always needing.

Do you feel this way sometimes after a manic episode or state of depression? I know I do, I rely a lot on other things (not necessarily people) to “comfort” me.

I need to learn to comfort myself for times my fiancé, dog, food and Netflix aren’t around to help me, lol.

I feel a lot of my days explaining myself I’m just rambling on and on because I can’t even fully understand wtf I’m trying to say. So thank you for holdin on with me through this challenge. 😂