F is for Fear.

When hearing voices and seeing “people” most of your life, you learn to live in fear. Fear of hearing this shit for the rest of my life, Fear of never truly understanding what the fuck is wrong with my head, Fear of no one ever trying to understand, Fear of living like this for 30 more years.

Of course, we all have those little things that scare us, spiders, ghost, the unknown, etc.  I, of course, have my little scares, definitely spiders, the unknown afterlife, some heights, things that fly, and my own mind? How can someone be scared of their own mind?

Let me explain…

All the times I’ve been “suicidal” it’s not like I woke up and thought “hmm, I don’t wanna be here anymore, see ya”. Nah, it ain’t like that. It’s constantly telling yourself and everyone around you that you’re ok because you honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t be ok, I mean other than the raging voices behind your eyes. I think about the days before my suicide attempts, I wasn’t me, I was literally my voices and that was it, just voices in a shell. My thoughts weren’t my own, I wouldn’t think of stuff like that, but suicidal Cyerra would…

I fear that I will fall back into that state of depression, back to listening to the voices and starting to confuse my own life with my head… I fear that it’ll be too late next time for me to find help. I know I’m on medication, but medication doesn’t take everything away like people think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I feel better on medication but that’s me…my voices ain’t me. No matter how much the doctors want to tell me the voices stem from somewhere. Good fucking luck convincing myself that, why would I make up the shit their saying and the shit I’m seeing? I wouldn’t wish Schizophrenic Voices or Images to my worst enemy…it’s nothing but living life in fear.


Will be away for a while…

Hey everyone!

Good News

Some good news, my fiance and I are going to the beach tomorrow as soon as I get off work! This wasn’t a planned trip, kind of a last moment trip actually, but hey why not?! My birthday is June 26th and Nikki wasn’t sure if she’d be able to get off work long enough for a trip. She came home the other night and found out she had off tomorrow, and the next 3 days, so road trip here we come!

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We got a hotel for 3 nights on the boardwalk, with a balcony, where I’ll be taking a lot of pictures lol.

We plan on doing a lot of stuff while down there, I’m so looking forward to it.

The past week has been pretty bad emotionally, due to my voices not learning how to shut the hell up, lol. This trip is a must needed vacation, for both of us!

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This will be the first “road trip” my fiance and I have had together, in the 3 years we’ve been together. Definitely excited about no stress, no phone, no tv, just me and my lady on the beach!

article-0-200BA74B00000578-536_634x629.jpgI’m really hoping to get them old western photos done of me and her, and maybe even parasailing since it’s on our list of to do this summer! I’m praying to come back home with a nice tan on me and my lady 🙂 Definitely going to get a new tattoo, Henna if I can’t afford the real deal lol.

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I got my playlist ready for the roadtrip down, bringing some extra speakers for the car, got my bag packed, and doing more laundry now.

Only thing left, go buy a bathing suit tomorrow before leaving.

Nikki’s brother, my soon to be brother in law, is watching Hazel Bee while we’re gone!

I’m super excited! I won’t be on WordPress at all until I come back, BUT when I do come back, omg picture galore!

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Rant.

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of criticism towards Schizophrenia. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that each and every person is entitled to their own opinion, but oh dear lord some of you people really irk my nerves.

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For example, the other day a person decided to put her/his two cents into “what Schizophrenia is like to a Schizophrenic”. Now, I totally understand that I don’t walk around with a sign on my back saying “I’m a schizophrenic”. That’s what is really fucked up, this person knows that I AM a schizophrenic, but still decided to “guess” what it’s like for a Schizophrenic.

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She/He says they believe that our “voices” are a part of us, apart of our soul trying to “climb” out of us, but “us” is the dominant part of our soul, that’s why we’re who we are today.

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I just kind of sat there with the blank expression on my face and just kind of nodded before changing the subject. I didn’t speak up, because what the hell was i going to say without expressing what my “voices” tell me .

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I can’t believe this theory she/he has proposed. Due to the fact that my “voices” are not something I would ever imagine myself being or acting like. The things I hear on a day to day basis are things “normal” people can’t even imagine, thing’s I can’t even imagine, and I hear it constantly. I couldn’t stand up and start yelling “NO NO NO, WHY WOULD I EVER THINK ABOUT GRUESOME, AWFUL, THINGS?!” “THAT’S NOT ME, THAT’S NOT WHO I AM, YOU KNOW THIS!” But just saying that sounds crazy?

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Now I’m not saying that every day my voices are chatting up a storm in my head about murder and bloody scenes, but I’d also be lying if I said my head didn’t come up with fucked up shit. But there are still good days, where my voices actually seem “ok” with me, talk about nice things, cheer me on in life, and help me with day to day things. BUT THAT’S ON A GOOD DAY!

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If my voices were constantly positive, then hell yeah maybe I’d be able to accept this proposal on Schizophrenia. The fact that my voices aren’t ALWAYS the nicest, I can’t believe that this theory is even a possibility, I won’t believe it.

\I will admit, I don’t know EVERYTHING there is to know about Paranoid Schizophrenia, but I do my research, I read books, watch documentaries, and follow tons of Schizophrenic sites on WordPress and Pinterest. I don’t really read it, to see if I’m a “normal schizophrenic”, I totally understand we’re all different, our voices are different, our thoughts, emotions, etc. I honestly read it just to see if there is any hope that my “voices” one day will never be there.

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Until I find a post that I find reasonable for ME, or something I find “ok” for ME to believe and have hope in, than I will.

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But for right now, my voices are my “voices” whether it’s “my soul’s”, my thoughts, or straight up my head making up shit, oh well it’s me. I can’t help that I’m a Schizophrenic anymore than you can help if your indian/white/black/straight/gay/american/etc.

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Every stigma in this damn world needs to end, whatever it is, just stop.

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Sunshine Blogger Award! 

A big thanks to Stephanie over at Making Time For Me, for nominating me for this awesome award! Stephanie is definitely a great blogger worth a follow!
The Rules: 

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Answer the questions from the person who nominated you!
  • Nominate other bloggers for this award.
  • Write the same amount of questions for the people you nominate!
  • Notify the bloggers of their nomination!

Questions From Stephanie:

  1. Are you where you thought you would be at this stage in your life? Yes and no. Yes because I pictured myself in love with someone who means a lot to me, that’s a definite yes. But no on the education and career level. I thought I’d be graduating from college this year and starting my career as a teacher. But that’s just one set back! 
  2. What is your favorite country to watch show up in your stats? Definitely India, Sri Lanka, and Germany. 
  3. What is one tip you have for bloggers? I always use this tip, but to be yourself on your blog! Don’t worry about what other readers may think, don’t worry about the amount of followers. Worry about you and your blog. 
  4. How do you choose who to give awards to? I actually go to my notifications, the top people to last like/comment/share etc, get a nomination! 
  5. What is your favorite holiday? Definitely Christmas. 
  6. Are you spiritual/religious? Ah, I am not religious. I believe if you put out good, you’ll receive good. Same with after lives, if we do good here, our next life will be better. I don’t believe in any of the religions I’ve  learned about.  It’s not that I’m not educated in religion, I graduated from a Christian High School taking bible class my whole life. I just don’t believe in it. 
  7. What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning? Well, I work on the weekend morning and that’s definitely not a favorite thing! But I love spending time with my fiancé before she heads off to work! 
  8. What is your ideal breakfast? Cinnamon French Toast with butter n syrup, stringy hash browns, sausage n bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast with jam. Bomb! 
  9. Did you go to your high school prom? Yes, 10th, and 12th grade.
  10. Do you plan, write down thoughts, ideas or stats for your blog? I seriously try to! I like to keep tabs on all the things I’ve already written, how many likes they recieved, just to get an idea of what my readers would rather read! 

My Questions For You To Answer: 

  1. Besides blogging, what’s your favorite hobby?
  2. Favorite currently watching tv show?
  3. Do you believe in Aliens?
  4. If you had to be stuck in a foreign country with no money or translator,  which country would you pick?
  5. Would you ever travel the world?
  6. The craziest experience you’ve ever had? For example: Sky diving, swimming with dolphins.
  7. Favorite sea animal?
  8. Have you ever been to the ocean?
  9. If you have a mental illness, which one do you have? When did you get diagnosed?
  10. Are you ready for summer, or want winter to come back?!

My Nominees: 

 

 

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Blogger Recognition Award! 

Thank you to B.G. over at Getting Through Anxiety! She nominated me for this award a while back, and I’m just now catching up on awards! Thank you again! If you’re not already following B.G, definitely go give her page a view!

Rules:

  • Write a post to show your award.
  • Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  • Give two advice to new bloggers.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and prove a link to their blog.
  • Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.

 

Why did I start writing this blog?

I began writing this blog because it was suggest by my therapist to blog about my anxiety, depression, and schizophrenia. At first, I was hesitant to share any information about myself and my “mental health problems”.  I honestly never thought that I’d be able to find myself being comfortable and connecting to strangers from around the world.

I also didn’t really expect to find so many people suffering from the same exact things I suffer from. Getting my blog and continuing to write and read others posts, has really helped me come out of my “shell” here on WordPress. I’ve gotten over the fear and posted pictures of the real me, I gave the first letter of my name, C:)

I’m really content with the way WordPress Bloggers have helped me. Reading some of your posts, that you probably think no one cares about, I can relate to…it really helps me.

I continue to write in my blog everyday and continue to comment and read others posts is because “why stop something that’s helping me?” It’s a little different than a diary, you know someone is reading it, you know it may be helping someone. I can go back and read the days that were difficult for me, and realize how stronger I have become since starting this blog:)

 

Advice for new bloggers: 

  1. Don’t care about who’s reading your posts. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 views or 1000 views. Writing how you feel and the honest truth about how you feel, is going to help you in the long run. I never care if one of my posts that took me hours to write only has 2 views and the post that took me literally 3 minutes to write has 100 views. Those 2 views on that long insane post about how awful your day has gone, you may have really helped those 2 views. Every time I see someone like one of my more sad post, I hope I helped them, I hope they could relate. Also, when I first got my blog I was so worried about being judged! Trust me, no one on here is judging you, not in the mental health corner at least! We’re all on here for a reason, whether it’s to vent, make friends, or seek help, we’re all here for each other!
  2. Be yourself! Write about something, you’d like to write about. Not what others want you to write about, not what is going to get the most views, and not what is going to make others happy. This is YOUR blog, and it can be about anything YOU want it too! Don’t be worried about who/what is going to read  your blog, be open, be yourself, and most of all be comfortable with your blog and your followers!

 

My Nominees (in no order):

  1. Sparkle&Shine: Writes about Beauty, Fashion, and Lifestyle.
  2. Moonlight Psychology: Writes about psychology, therapy, workshops,tips, news and videos.
  3. Tabbi:
  4. It’s just me, Josie.: Writes about mental health problems and life.
  5. PixieCake: Writes about her life, and more!
  6. Musings of An Insomniac.: “Late night thoughts of a fool”
  7. Reinventing My Creative Mind.: “Carving out space for creativity-one day at a time”
  8. Starrlet: writes about all kinds of things, definitely worth a read.
  9. Imperfection is Beauty: writes about a lot including art, mental health, and more.
  10. I Am My Own Island:“Because we all need to find a way to live with ourselves”
  11. Making Time For Me: “I am a wife, and mother. Just trying to handle the day to day, while working on myself from the inside out.”
  12. Bibliophile: Writes about a lot of different things, worth a read!
  13. Emily Mae: Honest Reviews and More!
  14. Happy Alexx: amazing writer, writes about mainly everything, definitely worth a read!
  15.  ANYONE OF MY FOLLOWERS!

 

 

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Work.

 Most of you already know that I got a job about two weeks ago, for Saturday’s and Sunday’s. I definitely still have the job and it’s going great, but now I have another job! My girlfriend and I just started working for our friends company, cleaning city buildings like the City Hall, etc. Today was our first day of “training”, it went really well. I really enjoyed being able to work with Nikki (my girlfriend), it really helped my anxiety going into the buildings. Our “boss” is really understanding of my anxiety as well, since she knows Nikki and I personally.

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This job seems perfect for my anxiety, I think it’ll help me with getting use to going into work and being around “some” strangers (I’m talking like 3-4). Nikki and I both will be working M-F together, plus my Saturday-Sunday job online.

Tomorrow I have to work at the online job, so 3-8 I won’t be able to write or be on WordPress at all. BUT before I go into work I have a few things to write about tomorrow including a few challenges I need to write (I’m slacking)!!!

Tomorrow will also be my first day of participating in the :”The B.G. Getting Through Anxiety Talent Blog Challenge”!  So be on the lookout for that tomorrow!!

Hope everyone has had a good week and a good Friday!!!!

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Now going to watch Sandlot 2 with my lady, we’ve never seen the 2nd one, it better be just as good as the first one.

Night!!

-C.

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The Bands I’ve Seen

So before my anxiety got really bad, and I was into some drugs which made it easier at the time, I got to see some pretty amazing bands live. I attended Warped Tour 2009, Warped Tour 2010, and Warped Tour 2011…which is seriously a once in a life time experience. Here is the list of bands I got to see:)

Warped Tour 2009:

  • 3OH!3
  • AllTimeLow
  • TheDevilWearsPrada
  • Paramore
  • WeTheKings
  • ADTR
  • CobraStarship
  • attackattack
  • nevershoutnever
  • Askylitedrive
  • DanceGavinDance
  • Brokencyde
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Now there was A LOT more bands at Warped Tour 2009 but it’s literally impossible to see every single one.

Warped Tour 2010:

  • Bringmethehorizon
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  • Emmure
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  • Piercetheviel.jpg
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  • EnterShikari
  • sum41
  • ofmiceandmen

 

Warped Tour 2011:

  • askingalexandria
  • Adaytoremember
  • blackvielbrides
  • wecameasromans
  • goradio
  • yelawolf

 

These are a list of my favorite bands I’ve seen live:)

#EndMentalStigma

So in the UK, it’s “Time to Talk”. I am not from the UK but I think it’s amazing that they do this! I was on Gemma’s page and seen she posted about this with a few questions about mental illness from Lusuna. I figured it’d be great to also answer these questions and try and keep this # going! So here are the questions, and my answers!!

1. Have you ever been diagnosed as suffering from a mental illness? If so, which one(s) (if what you suffered from can be labelled – mental illness tends to work on a spectrum – feel free to simply note symptoms)? If not, do you suspect you may have suffered from one?

Yes, I’ve been diagnosed with Social Anxiety, Depression, and Paranoid Schizophrenia.

2. Do you have any friends or family who have suffered from a diagnosed mental illness? Please don’t give their details (it’s up to them whether they wish to share), but, if so, which illness(es)?

Yes, my great grandmother on my mothers side actually spend the rest of her life in a mental hospital that is actually no longer standing. My father’s side of the family also has multiple mental problems, just never diagnosed. 

3. Have you ever experienced anxiety?

Yeah, I’ve always had anxiety; but up until about 2 years ago it’s gotten a lot worse. I believe I’ve developed Agoraphobia over the past years due to multiple panic attacks in public.

4. Have you ever felt depressed? Feel free to elaborate.

Yes. I can be completely fine one day and then the next feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. My depression has many triggers but I can also become very depressed without a trigger…well it seems like there is no trigger some times.

5. Have you ever suffered from stress?

I’ve never been diagnose with anything having to do with stress. But I honestly believe anyone living with mental illnesses experiences stress everyday with their struggle. It’s very stressing knowing that you can have a panic attack at the press of a button, literally.

6. What would you say to a friend who was suffering from some form of mental discomfort or illness?

Try to surround yourself with positive people. Stay clear of all the drugs and alcohol, it just makes it worse. There is never going to be a day that your illness just disappears, the sooner you accept the fact you have an illness, the sooner you’ll be able to enjoy your life with your illness. 

7. Have you ever been treated differently because of your mental illness?

Yes!! I HATE when I tell people that I am a schizophrenic, they look at me as I am seriously disabled. 

8. Has your mental illness ever stopped you from doing or achieving something that would have been attainable if you weren’t mentally ill?

Yess omg yes. My dream has ALWAYS been to be a special education teacher. All the way up until I graduated high school. My mother and I went on a tour to the college I wanted to attend so badly…I had a full out panic attack in the middle of the tour, in front of so many people. After that day I knew college on a campus was impossible for me at the time. I decided to take online college classes, which also caused anxiety. Not too sure why or how but just knowing that I had to do things without being taught them by a teacher, just made my anxiety flair. I’ve dropped out of college 3 different times and have been unemployed for about 3 straight years now. If it wasn’t for my anxiety, I KNOW that I’d be a teacher by now.